Counseling Is Worth A Try
Dear Ann Landers: I have been married to “Nick” for 10 years. We have three beautiful children. Six months ago, I found out that Nick has had one affair after another. I also learned that he has a child with one of the women. The child is now 4.
Nick has admitted to a couple of affairs but insists the rest are lies.
He also wants nothing to do with his illegitimate child, which is okay because the mother of that child doesn’t want Nick around either.
Nick has cried and begged me to forgive him. He swears that he is a changed man and he will be a model husband if I will take him back. The truth is, I can’t decide how I feel about him. Some days, I miss him like crazy and want him back, and other days, I remember what a bad temper he has and how physically and verbally abusive he can be. He apologizes after every fight and promises he’ll treat me better if I give him one more chance.
I don’t know what to do, Ann. I am Catholic, and I don’t want to be divorced. I’m also afraid the children will suffer if I break up our home. He is great with the kids, and they love him. You always advise women to ask themselves, “Would I be better off with him or without him?” I honestly don’t know the answer to that question, and it’s driving me crazy.
Do I have spaghetti where my brains belong? - Confused in Groton, N.Y.
Dear Groton: No woman is better off with a man who hits her. I recommend a separation during which time Nick gets some serious counseling.
From what you have written, Nick sounds like a poor bet. There is, however, a chance that he may shape up if his counseling is effective and you make it clear that this is his last chance. I wish him luck for the children’s sake.
Dear Ann Landers: My husband refuses to give up his cigarettes. Because of our business and social life, we attend many dinners and banquets. I would prefer it if my husband could wait until after dinner to have a cigarette, but he either goes to the bar or outside for a puff several times during the meal.
I could handle his disappearing for four or five minutes, but he invariably finds another smoker to chat with and sometimes leaves me alone for as long as 20 minutes.
The disapproval of the others at our table makes me uncomfortable and often keeps the waitress from serving the next course. One man asked if my husband had had his prostate checked lately. He wrongly assumed that my husband was getting up to use the men’s room.
I have told my husband I feel uncomfortable during his absences - especially if it is a banquet and I am sitting by a stranger. I have even contemplated leaving the event and letting him know what it feels like to have an empty chair next to him.
Can you make some suggestions or expound on any new smoking etiquette which may have developed over the past few years? - On the Spot in Stockton
Dear Stockton: Get over the notion that you are responsible for your husband’s conduct. If anything, you are a victim. Make no apologies and no excuses for his frequent absences from the table. The poor fellow is hostage to an addiction worse than cocaine. He may pay for it with his life.
Gem of the Day: If you think you have gotten something for nothing, you just haven’t received the bill yet.