Reply In Reverse Without Excuses
Dear Miss Manners: My wife and I are dismayed by a perplexing phenomenon we have dubbed the “reverse invitation.”
This occurs when an invitation is proposed over the telephone by Party A to Party B - for example, “We’d like to have you and your family over for dinner.”
Missing the point entirely, Party B says, “Oh, great. But why don’t you all come over to our place and we’ll have a cookout?”
When we have invited a child to come and play with ours, the child, being a homebody, invariably says no - and then her mother comes back on the line with the reverse invitation: “Well, she doesn’t want to come over, but could your little Margie come over here?”
While it is polite and flexible of our friend to welcome our child, this thoughtless response effectively negates our invitation and puts us in the awkward position of pleading our case. Or we feel pressed to accept the reverse invitation, which forces us to completely change whatever plans we had in mind.
Chiefly, the reversing of invitations undermines our desire to be hosts. We are wondering if any of your readers have suffered this social irritation, and if you have any suggestions for averting it.
Gentle Reader: If Miss Manners ran a contest for identifying and naming new social phenomena, you would win a prize. She doesn’t hold such a contest only because she has no desire to encourage innovations - they so often turn out to be for the worst.
This one has some bumbling merit, in that it at least offers hospitality, normally a polite thing to do. But it also fails to respect the offer of hospitality, which isn’t.
The way to deal with it is to treat these two aspects separately, but in reverse order. Got that?
First, you accept the regrettable fact that your invitation was declined (even though it wasn’t, exactly): “Oh, I’m so sorry you won’t be able to make it; I’ll call you again, another time.”
Only then do you (correctly) decline the invitation that was offered, “No; thank you for asking, but I’m afraid that doesn’t work out.”
Note that you have not offered excuses. These are always better omitted in a flood of regret at not being able to accept - but this point is especially important in the reverse invitation. There is no way you can plausibly claim to be busy at that time. Also, you don’t want to set yourself up for continued negotiating, as that is what you find objectionable.
Dear Miss Manners: My job allows me to work out of my home, and I have noticed an increase in people appearing on my doorstep, either to sell me something or offer their religious or political beliefs. I respect them for their willingness to go to such lengths to contact people, but need a polite way to send them on their way without offending. I would like to find out what they want and, if I am not interested, be done with them and back to work.
Gentle Reader: Next to the prom queen, the person most in need of the skill of refusing offers is the person who works at home.
It is not only strangers, but also friends and relations who have trouble understanding that work done at home really is work. People who may have a deep interest in your success will nevertheless interrupt if they can, or sulk if you protest.
Miss Manners advises you to practice saying cheerily, “Sorry - I’m in the midst of work” and then making a quick exit (which includes closing your front door).
This takes practice, because neither is easy. Those words naturally come accompanied by a look of exasperation, rather than the pleasant regret that will remove suspicions of rudeness. When the door closes on that expression, it cannot be characterized as the rude gesture of “slamming the door.”
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate