Be Patient; This, Too, Shall Pass

Dear Miss Manners: Certain members of our extended family are beginning to spend most of their leisure time in front of their computers.

One cousin asked to be included in family holiday festivities, and then brought his laptop computer and spent all of his time with it - except for meals, I might add. He tried to interest my husband and me in his electronic wonder and wanted us to play computer games with him.

Although we are both well-versed in computers and use them daily in our professional lives, we view them as work tools and not as entertainment centers. We have two very small children and our leisure time is taken up by them or with books or music.

Our cousin was offended by our lack of interest but nonetheless persisted for the five days of his visit to insist that we become involved in his activity.

Other relatives have invited us to their houses and then proceeded to spend all their time at the computer.

What has happened to visiting, to the simple art of conversation? We would like to avoid these situations in the future. How can we explain to our relatives that we would love to see them but not their machinery?

Gentle Reader: Without in the least defending him, Miss Manners has to warn you that your cousin is in a state of ecstasy brought on by a new arrival. This is similar to what afflicts first-time parents, but there are two key differences:

Computers are not as cute as infants.

It is easier to flee them.

Yes, Miss Manners understands that he has a laptop. Even so, he can’t really chase you around with it, so if you must have him visit while he is in this terminally boring stage, fix up a nice corner for him to use as a desk, and make sure it is far from where you are.

She offers you the comfort that even new parents eventually get enough used to the novelty to be able to pay attention to other matters, and that new computer owners find their sources of pride to grow less interesting even faster.

Dear Miss Manners: My fiancee and I, who are part of a community organization where I hold a rather visible leadership position, have been asked, “When is your wedding? I want to make sure to be there.”

I smile and tell them the date, but say nothing about inviting them.

We are both students, working several jobs to get through school, and are paying for the entire wedding and reception ourselves. We have decided only to invite our families and dearest friends.

I know that the people who are inviting themselves are very fond of us and only want to wish us the best, but we simply cannot afford (nor do we desire) to invite 70 to 80 more guests.

We hope to invite all the members of this organization to an engagement party, a sort of “open house” at a friend’s home. Is this acceptable etiquette - to invite people to the engagement party but not to the wedding? Our greatest concern is the feelings of our acquaintances and friends - they are all very dear to us.

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners does not approve of people delivering acceptances to unissued wedding invitations. But she is touched by your realization that in your case, this was prompted by an excess of affection, rather than something less attractive.

The way to include such people is not, however, by giving an engagement party. Because this sounds like the prelude to the main event, they will still feel excluded.

If you really cannot expand your wedding reception to invite people whom you say are very dear to you, then Miss Manners suggests you have that open house after the wedding. The explanation is, “Oh, dear, we’re having a very small wedding, but we’re having a big celebration afterwards for all the people we care about, and we want you to be there.”

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate