You Are Trying A Bit Too Hard

Dear Miss Manners: I have a dear friend of 28 years, with whom I have not been physically intimate for at least 15 years.

Although I had invited her to visit me at a time of her own choosing (intending, of course, for her to stay in one of my guest bedrooms), I wasn’t sure when she was coming and invited other dear friends, a married couple, members of a church I used to attend.

The couple are conservative, and the last time they visited they drove a long distance but declined to stay overnight (I think because I am unmarried and there would be no other woman in the house). This time, we were to attend a late concert and I insisted they stay overnight, offering them the bedroom and a private bath.

Then my woman friend said she was coming at the same time. In order not to offend the sensibilities of the married couple, I said I would get her a hotel room. I have enough room, but she and I would have to share a bath.

A relative says this is the ‘90s, and it is absurd for me to move my woman friend to a hotel. The woman friend is also offended, stating that I think more of the couple than I do of her.

What is proper?

Gentle Reader: The argument that this is the ‘90s, or whatever decade society happens to be occupying at the moment, is not generally one that brings Miss Manners to her knees.

As she recalls, it was invented in the 1890s, by young people who hoped to get out of doing their basic social duties by accusing their parents of being Victorian (as indeed they were) and has been tried by successive generations ever since.

But etiquette does change - just not in the way these people hope, and only when Miss Manners approves.

As it happens, however, she thoroughly approves of dropping the vulgar notion that the only thing that keeps ladies and gentlemen behaving properly is a lack of privacy. Surely a respectable bachelor may offer his guest room to a lady without inviting his other guests to harbor improper thoughts. And the bathroom, too - provided that the lady and gentleman in question are not using it at the same time.

Dear Miss Manners: My dearest friend has a habit of cataloging in detail every event in her busy life. When I ask her “How are you?” the conversational boat is launched, she takes the helm, and I am the helpless, unwitting passenger until she is ready to head back to shore.

It seems to me that this general question does not give one license to commandeer the listener’s attention for longer than a few sentences within a contained topic area. It’s not that I don’t like to listen; it is that I prefer the fun of give and take.

How does one ask a friend how she is in such a way that one does not become shanghaied? How does one interrupt one’s good friend’s monologue and still remain on the best of terms?

Gentle Reader: Have you thought of not asking her?

Miss Manners is not suggesting that you jettison the amenities, but some people cannot be trusted to handle them. She suggests substituting a robust, “You look wonderful! I’m so glad to see you - I have so much to tell you!”

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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate