Tolerance, Respect Should Be Learned
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I are trying to bring up our children to be devoted Christians, and this includes the habit of giving thanks before meals.
The children’s grandparents are hostile to any display of a belief in God, especially my mother-in-law. I have a cordial relationship with her, avoiding religious discussions, even though she has a strong tendency to bring the subject up.
When visiting, we usually sneak our family grace together in the bathroom while we help the children wash their hands. Other times, we instruct the children to silently give thanks on their own. On some occasions, such as Thanksgiving, we will have a more elaborate prayer in the car on the way there.
However, there are times when one of the children will sit down at the table and blurt out, “They don’t say grace in this house! Right, Mom?” It is an awkward situation.
When we have meals with other families who do not say grace, no one is ever ill at ease if we circumspectly remind our children to say a simple blessing. However, their grandparents were barely able to conceal their discomfort when we said an ever-so-brief blessing last Thanksgiving in our own home. I’m afraid things might get more complicated as the children get older. How should we best explain this sort of etiquette to the children?
Gentle Reader: Don’t worry about this getting any more complicated. Miss Manners assures you that the etiquette you need to teach right now is about as complicated as it ever gets.
Furthermore, it is not only the children whom you need to teach. Everybody involved here needs to learn about the meaning and practice of respect and tolerance. Even you, who are making such an extraordinary effort to accommodate your in-laws.
The children are already learning that people of good will may differ strongly on matters of religion, and that one gets along with them best by refraining from comment as well as discussion. But you have to learn that this does not require giving up one’s religious practices. Much as she values family harmony, Miss Manners can’t stand the thought of your saying mealtime grace in the bathroom.
Etiquette requires those who do not say grace to sit in silence while others do so. Provided you are not praying aloud that your in-laws be saved, or that you be saved from them, they have no cause to take offense.
Miss Manners understands that they have not learned this, presumably because they have not accepted the fact that their son’s beliefs are different from theirs. He is therefore the one to make the gentle point that he has made an adult choice for which he wants the same respect that his family accords to them.
Dear Miss Manners: Why am I offended by people who use their cellular telephones at adjacent restaurant tables, in line for espresso, and in various other public places? Pay phones in a restaurant don’t bother me, nor does talking in line with a friend. I am puzzled why cell phones offend.
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is a puzzled, too, but not about what constitutes the proper and improper use of cellular telephones.
What puzzles her is why so many people who are less thoughtful than you keep lashing out at every new device without considering whether it actually constitutes an annoyance or if it’s just that they notice it more at first (which is all you are doing).
Miss Manners predicts that all those people who are now loudly complaining that people with cellular telephones talk loudly, and who declare that they only own them to show off will soon calm down. When they are in a more reasonable frame of mind, she will be happy to help them identify and discourage the rude use of cellular or other telephones. By that time they will probably be using cell phones themselves.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate