Talk Should Be Done In Nice Way

Dear Miss Manners: It has come to my attention that a 22-year-old college graduate has volunteered to talk to any young man who dates his 15-year-old sister about respecting her. He says it is in a nice way, but that date rape and other things are happening.

To me this reeks of gangsterism and other low-life control habits. If my brother did anything like that, I would be very upset.

Is this something that goes on now? Isn’t it up to my parents to check out my date? Plus, doesn’t it negate my common sense?

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners has heard that certain branches of the gangster profession are fiercely protective of their families, but she did not believe that counted as one of their criminal activities. On the contrary, she had thought of it as something of a saving grace.

It is true that the history of gentlemen (not just criminals) protecting their female relatives is not altogether charming.

The declaration that mistreating the lady reflected on the honor of the gentleman as an insult to his property leaves something to be desired in the way of a noble motivation.

And the methods were often even less savory. Miss Manners was once in the difficult situation of being asked to explain to a very young lady who had accompanied her to a 17th century Spanish play why the brother and father of the leading lady were angry at the heroine for having been raped, and why they desperately wanted her to marry the rapist.

“It’s not her fault,” the young lady pointed out with undisputed logic. “Why don’t they blame him? And why do they want her to marry him - a rapist?”

Why, indeed? There is no reasonable explanation (only a disgraceful historic one) by which the father and brother’s callous and brutal behavior can be in any way connected with true family honor.

But protecting a lady by making it clear that there would be consequences to mistreating her is hardly the same as making such mistreatment an excuse to mistreat her themselves.

For a teenager to use her common sense and for her parents to subject her beaux to their approval are both good safeguards. But there is something more immediately compelling about a young gentleman closer to their age who takes an interest in his sister.

The key is whether he does it, as he claims, “in a nice way.” That would mean doing more or less what good parents do - chatting pleasantly with each of her dates, both to find out about him and to let him know that attention is being paid to her welfare.

To offer any pre-emptive accusations or warnings about date rape to some teenager whose only suspicious behavior is wanting to take one’s sister to the movies would be provocative, rather than protective, and excessively rude.

Dear Miss Manners: What are your thoughts about people who never decline an invitation to have lunch or dinner at your dining table but never reciprocate? This has been my ongoing experience for 40 years!

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners has only evil thoughts about guests who never reciprocate, because she accepts no excuses. Even people who have no cooking skills or no money can entertain at tea. And no, bringing a bottle of wine doesn’t count.

But this has been going on for 40 years?

Those aren’t guests. Those are your children.

And you know those little people they bring along with them? Those are your grandchildren.