Meet The M’S Bogeyman

Scene: The office of Dudley Dullward, Vice President of Lining Up Putts for the Seattle Marinades, who are dogpaddling through the briny deep of the American League West. About 3:45 p.m., Dullward enters.

Dullward: “Good morning, Miss Feasance.”

Secretary: “Morning? Mr. Dullward, the phone has been ringing off the hook with teams making offers for Randy Johnson. When it’s not a general manager, it’s a reporter seeking comment. I can’t handle all the calls. I think you’d better hire a temp from the agency.”

Dullward: “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - we will not be adding payroll.”

Secretary: “I thought that meant no high-salaried closer.”

Dullward: “Oh. Well, if you can find a receptionist who can also get a left-handed batter out in the late innings, I might listen.”

Secretary: “Mr. Dullward, it’s Bob Finicky of the Times on line one. He hears you’ve been working on a trade with the Dodgers for …”

Dullward: “I will not comment on rumors.”

Secretary: “You mean rumors about a trade.”

Dullward: “No, rumors that I’ve been working. By the way, when is my tee time Saturday?”

Secretary: “Ten-thirty.”

Dullward: “Don’t we have a 1 o’clock game with the Dodgers?”

Secretary: “Yes, sir.”

Dullward: “Better move my tee time to 11:30. Wouldn’t want to get here before the seventh-inning stretch.”

Secretary: “Do you want to run through the messages, sir?”

Dullward: “No, you go ahead. Say, how come the wallpaper in here smells like Schlitz?”

Secretary: “Mr. Piniella said he needed a hobby to relieve the stress of managing the Marinades, so he’s taken up interior decorating.”

Dullward: “Swell. What does he call this motif?”

Secretary: “Early Mathematical Elimination.”

Dullward: “Hmm. Wonder if I can scare up a trade between now and quitting time?”

Secretary: “Sir, it is quitting time in every other time zone, and all the West Coast teams are playing afternoon games today.”

Dullward: “Well, then. Not much point in me sticking around. See you…” Secretary: “Wait, Mr. Dullward. Jim Streetwise of the P-I is on line 2. He says there’s a newspaper report that the Dodgers are going to fire Fred Claire at the end of the season. Seeing as how the Dodgers got Charles Johnson, Gary Sheffield, Bobby Bonilla and Jim Eisenreich for Mike Piazza and you can’t get a used rosin bag for Randy Johnson, he wants to know how you feel about your job security?

Dullward: “You know Fred’s problem? He doesn’t play enough golf with his owners.”

Secretary: “Just out of curiosity, sir, why don’t you just pay Randy what he wants?”

Dullward: “Why, he’s over the hill, of course. He’s lost it. No command. Declining velocity. No way we’d pay $10 million a year for a pitcher with his stuff. Haven’t you seen him throw lately?”

Secretary: “Well, as a matter of fact, my boyfriend and I skipped lunch for a week so we could afford some of those $14 seats in the 300 level and we watched Randy strike out 15.”

Dullward: “Really? Where was I?”

Secretary: “It was a Sunday. That’s usually a 36-hole day for you.”

Dullward: “Oh, right. Well, in any case, that was an aberration. He’s toast.”

Secretary: “So why didn’t you trade him over the winter?”

Dullward: “Because we couldn’t get full value for him. And I was busy trying to get better.”

Secretary: “Wait a minute. You didn’t sign a leadoff hitter. You didn’t improve the team’s speed or defense, or add a reliever who could spell o-u-t. Just what did you do this winter.”

Dullward: “Got my handicap down to a smooth 6.”

Secretary: “So what would have been true value for Randy back in January?”

Dullward: “We asked the Dodgers for Piazza, Valdes, Dreifort, Hollandsworth, Guerrero and a couple of minor leaguers.”

Secretary: “For an over-the-hill pitcher? And now after dangling him to every team in baseball for the past two weeks, you’re taking him off the block? You’ve already suggested he’s damaged goods physically and now you’re going to deconstruct what’s left of his fragile psyche by making him pitch for a club he doesn’t want to play for and which doesn’t really want him?”

Dullward: “Well, that’s just baseball in the ‘90s, Miss Feasance. You’re going to be criticized no matter what you do, so you might as well do nothing.”

Secretary: “By the way, Larry Larrup of the TNT called. He wanted to know about baseball in the millenium. He pointed out that Joey Cora’s talking retirement after 1999, that both Junior and A-Rod’s contracts come due after 2000 and given your stand about not adding payroll, that there’s virtually no chance you’ll sign both, that Jay Buhner is saying this is his last contract and that four of your starting pitchers are 35 or older. Oh, yes, and your farm system is bankrupt.”

Dullward: “What does he mean? We just had a great draft.”

Secretary: “Really? Who did we get?”

Dullward: “My son Matt in the 24th round. I was hoping to get him first- or second-round bonus money, so Mrs. Dullward and I could trim some payroll at our house.”

Secretary: “Phone call for you, Mr. Dullward. It’s the Dodgers.”

Dullward: “I told them we’re not listening to trade offers.”

Secretary: “They’re not talking trade. They said Randy Johnson has just asked for political asylum in their locker room.”