He Sits There Because You’Re Single

Dear Miss Manners: My boyfriend, David, and I have been together for several years and are very close to my family. We often have dinner together, and my father always seats himself at the head of our table.

I feel that since he is a guest in our house, David and I should sit at the ends of the table. A friend suggested name cards on the place settings, but I would feel very awkward doing that since our gettogethers are very relaxed and informal. I would never want to hurt my father’s feelings. What do the rules of etiquette provide in this situation, and does it make a difference that we are not married?

Gentle Reader: Yes, it probably does. Miss Manners doesn’t usually delve into the subconscious, because it’s always such a mess down there, but is afraid she must do so to fish out your answer.

No doubt your father likes your beau, and no doubt he has come to terms with your living arrangements. However, he sits at the head of the table because you are single and he is, therefore, as your nearest male relation present, the likely candidate to be host.

You could, of course, say as gently as possible, “That’s David’s seat; I’d love to have you sit here next to me.” However, Miss Manners does not advise messing with the subconscious when the surface is so nice and peaceful.

Dear Miss Manners: My parents and sister informed me that they would be spending Christmas with my family this year. I was thrilled because I very rarely see my family during the holidays.

My sister later called and told me that her two dogs would be coming with her. Then, a few weeks later, my mother told me that my grandmother would most likely be coming, too, and if she were coming then my uncle would also come.

I do not have enough room for all these people and animals in my modest home. In addition, my family finances have never allowed me to entertain on a grand scale. Regardless of our frustration and finances, however, my husband and I do not want to insult my relatives. We thought we might stay in a hotel room while my relatives stay in our house, since in the past, visiting family members were offended when they were asked to stay in a hotel. Are we doing the right thing?

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is sorry to tell you that whatever your motive, abandoning your house when your relatives visit is not going to be considered a warm and welcoming gesture.

As you are thrilled that you will be seeing them, Miss Manners presumes that you are an affectionate family, and the purpose of staying with you is at least as much to spend time with you as to save money. In any case, that should be everyone’s stated purpose, including yours.

Once you declare how happy you will be, and how you want to see as much of them as possible, you can enlist them in a discussion of how best to make everyone comfortable: “If I give Grandma our room, we could put Mom and Dad on the sofa bed and Imogene on the futon in the dining alcove. But what about Uncle Kirk? Could we put him in with Grandma? Would they mind the dogs? Oh, don’t worry about us - we’ll be fine on the porch if we put a heater out there and it doesn’t blow the fuse again. But do you think everyone will be comfortable?”

A round or two of this should produce some constructive suggestions, in which Miss Manners would not be surprised to hear the word “hotel” being used.