Cheap Seats

Acting like you’ve been there before

When you telephone the Cleveland Indians, you get this recording: “Thank you for calling the 1995 through 1998 Central Division Champion Cleveland Indians.”

Bragging about four Central Division titles?

Can you imagine dialing the Yankees and hearing, “Thank you for calling the 1923, 1927, 1928, 1932, 1936 through 1939, 1941, 1943, 1947, 1949 through 1953, 1956, 1958, 1961, 1962, 1977, 1978, 1996 and 1998 World Champion New York Yankees?”

Pests enjoy World Cup

Carla Overbeck of the U.S. women’s soccer team is known as “Termite,” and Alan Brite is a pest prevention expert specializing in eliminating termites.

In honor of Carla’s play in the Women’s World Cup final, Brite is flying a white flag over his company headquarters in Santa Barbara, Calif.

“Afterward, the flag comes down and it’s back to war on termites,” he said.

The flag comes down and Brandi Chastain’s jersey comes off.

TNT needs a writing coach

Tom Powers in the St. Paul Pioneer Press was disgusted with television coverage of the NBA draft: “Folks, you too can produce short player profiles for TNT. The formula is simple: Find a dead relative and dwell on it.

“I think TNT hands out questionnaires to the projected top 25 picks.

“Question No. 1: What is your name?

“No. 2: Any dead relatives?

“No. 3: Have you suffered any personal tragedies?

He forgot “What is your hat size?”

And speaking of hats

Maryland guard Steve Francis had just realized nearly every college basketball player’s dream when he was selected No. 2 in the NBA draft.

But he was picked by Vancouver, and he was treating it as a nightmare.

“As soon as I can take it off, I will,” he said of a Grizzlies’ cap he was wearing. “Hopefully, when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll be happy.”

There’s always next year

From Ron Rapoport of the Chicago Sun-Times: “Let’s see, Minnesota forces out its coach in an academic scandal, Purdue’s basketball program is placed on probation, Michigan State’s best basketball player has a court date pending, two Michigan football players face larceny charges and Iowa’s quarterback is arrested for the second time in 18 months on an alcohol charge. `I’ve had better weeks,’ Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany said.”

Betamax is on the way

Geoff Caulkins of the Memphis Commercial Appeal figures the bowl championship series formula that still doesn’t include a playoff system is already outdated.

“Any day now, Roy Kramer will announce that he’s built a better typewriter,” Calkins wrote. “After that, he’s going to start to work on a faster and more efficient steamboat. And then, well, a spiffier eight-track tape player.”

The last word …

“If guys who hit home runs against me want to stop at every base and do the macarena dance, I swear to God, I don’t care.”- Jose Lima, the Houston Astros’ All-Star pitcher, who says it doesn’t bother him when hitters celebrate their home runs.