Civility Can Effectively Squash Rudeness

Dear Miss Manners: There is a horrible trend of extreme rudeness and arrogance in public places (and probably in private, too!) by men 30 to 60, which was directed toward a woman friend twice today.

A well-dressed, 50ish man barged in front of my friend at a coffee place and got served first instead of her. No apology, either. Then, on the cable car home, a 30ish man with a good haircut, Harris tweed jacket and jeans stealthily but arrogantly sidled ahead of a whole crowd of women and children, squashed us out of his way and sat down. Then he pretended to be a tourist to avoid paying his fare.

This sort of obnoxious and discourteous thing happens daily, and I’ve seen men do it to ancient or pregnant women, too.

What is going on? Is this men’s backlash against the women’s movement, or what?

Gentle reader: Miss Manners not only prefers civility but believes it to be more effective. In this case, it might mean pointing out that there are special seats reserved for those who badly need them, or indicating to a presumed tourist where the fares are collected.

As to why this is happening, Miss Manners knows what the people in question would say. They would say they were paying the ladies respect by abandoning the patronizing system of deferring to them. It is amazing how many who have shown no other devotion to feminism have embraced the idea of dropping Ladies First, along with a few other rules that nobody tried to repeal, such as First Come First Served, No Shoving, and Don’t Squash the Children.

Dear Miss Manners: Is it unacceptable to approach the table of friends dining with people unknown to me in our club dining room? I feel uncomfortable interrupting their conversation or meal by coming to greet them because to do so may be an intrusion, but not to do so may be construed as unfriendly.

I wonder if the same answer would apply if the setting is suitable to the more informal atmosphere of the club’s “grille room.” If approached, the friends always stand and introduce their guests and meals grow cool.

Gentle reader: It is not only the meals that grow cool, Miss Manners is afraid. So do the feelings of the people who are kept from eating them.

When encountering acquaintances who are dining in public, you are supposed to greet them in passing, which is to say that you can be as friendly as you like provided you don’t stop moving. At a club, the difference is that you might, if you wish, ask fellow members to join you, provided they seem to be dining casually rather than purposefully. For example, people who are in the middle of a marriage proposal or wedding reception would not be a good choice.

Dear Miss Manners: Am I just an old grump, or do others find those telephone “menus” terribly rude?

I’m referring to those systems, so popular with businesses, that say, “If you want A, press 1; if you want B, press 2” and so on, ending with, “If you want to hear a human voice, press the pound sign and get put on hold.”

The message, at least it seems to me, is, “We want your business (i.e., money), but we can’t be bothered talking to you or treating you as a fellow human being.”

Maybe I am just out of touch with the times. After all, it’s “for your convenience.” I don’t see it, though.

Gentle reader: If there is one phrase that never fails to set off The Old Grumps Club, it is “for your convenience.” Miss Manners is amazed that anyone can stay in business who is naive enough to believe it will inspire customer gratitude.

Nevertheless, a properly programmed voice mail system actually can be a convenience for the customer. It gets routine questions answered with some degree of certainty, and it eliminates the embarrassment if you have to ask again.

But that is assuming that it has someone available for questions that are not covered and that it doesn’t have so many choices that you are punching away at your telephone until you forget why you called.