Retort Self-Satisfying But Uncivil

Dear Miss Manners: I am a middle-aged man with tinted contact lenses. I wear these lenses because I like the effect, and they are easier to find when I drop one.

Unfortunately, I have been challenged with the unpleasant question, “Are those really your eyes, or are you just wearing contact lenses?”

This question inevitably comes from women and from individuals younger than myself. I am perplexed as to the best response. I am annoyed and insulted by the question and do not feel as though I should have to dignify it with an answer.

I am tempted to reply, “Are those really your breasts, or did you just have surgery?” Valuing my jaw, this is probably not the ideal response. I have tried the more polite, “Now why do you feel the need to ask that?” and am greeted with, “I just want to know.” Sigh.

Gentle Reader: Sigh, indeed. Miss Manners seems to remember that there is supposed to be a gap between being curious to know something and feeling entitled to ask.

It would be simpler if you just said, “Yes,” meaning yes, they are your eyes, and yes, you wear contact lenses. True, this is more of an answer than nosy people deserve, but it would soften your saying, “Excuse me, but I really don’t care to discuss this,” if they persist.

Dear Miss Manners: I don’t think you have ever covered proper etiquette in writing business letters. With the current problem of “political correctness,” I don’t want to be doing something wrong. I am sure there are many, many others that would like this question answered.

Years ago, I was taught that when writing a business letter in which you don’t know the name of the person to whom the letter is going, you address it as “Dear Sir” or “Gentlemen.” I certainly don’t want to say “Dear Sir or Madam” or “To Whom It May Concern.” That is just too much. So what do I say to recognize the fact that the CEO may be female?

Gentle Reader: You are quite right: There are many others who would like this question answered, and Miss Manners has not covered this matter since, oh, maybe last week.

The answer is that you should get over whatever makes you think that “sir” and “gentlemen” are respectful titles but the female equivalents, “madam” and “ladies,” are ridiculous. If you can’t manage to say “Dear Madam or Sir,” you may say “Ladies and gentlemen.”

Dear Miss Manners: My 12th birthday and Mother’s Day fell on the same weekend. At my family birthday party, Grandma gave me a gold bracelet. I thanked her when I opened it and several times that afternoon. I used my allowance money and bought her a box of chocolate.

During the week we talked on the phone and I thanked Grandma again for the bracelet. A month later Grandma was visiting and she told me in private that she was disappointed in me and she thought I had bad manners because I didn’t send her a thank-you note.

I thought if I thanked her too much it would be redundant. Could you please help me? Grandma made me feel really bad!!

Gentle Reader: Technically, your grandmother is right. There is rarely such thing as thanking someone too much for a gold bracelet, and a serious present does require a letter. Miss Manners will even concede that although, ordinarily, it would be rude of the giver to mention this omission, your grandmother is not out of place in teaching you a point of manners that you missed, even though you obviously learned the principle behind it -that of expressing gratitude.

But for goodness’ sake, if she wants to tutor you in politeness, she should have exercised some herself. A kindly lesson would have acknowledged your enthusiastic expressions of gratitude before mentioning that it is customary and pleasing to put them in writing.