Test your etiquette
Not sure about the proper way to shell shellfish? Unclear on how to maneuver spaghetti from plate to mouth? We’ve devised this Food Manners Quiz to test your dining etiquette. The correct answers come from the book “Miss Manners’ Basic Training: Eating” (Crown, $15) by Judith Martin, nationally syndicated etiquette expert. Hint: In some cases, there’s more than one right answer. Good luck and, bon appetit.
1. Spaghetti: Ravioli may be an easier choice, but when faced with the spaghetti challenge …
A. Twirl spaghetti on fork with tines lightly pressed against plate until it makes a manageable, neat package that can be brought to the mouth without more than one inch of overhanging strands.
B. Twirl spaghetti on fork with tines lightly pressed against soupspoon until it makes a tiny packet that can be brought to the mouth without more than one-eighth of an inch of overhanging strands.
C. Tuck a corner of your napkin into your shirt collar or decolletage, spreading it neatly over your chest. Use your fork and spoon in tandem to elevate pasta to your mouth. And never laugh; spaghetti may come out your nose.
2. Grapes with seeds: Oh, my, talk about the grapes of wrath. These tiny little seeds are bitter and often too big to comfortably swallow. The best way to deal with them is to …
A. Cut each grape in half lengthwise and pluck the seeds out with the tip of your fruit knife. Push seeds aside into neat pile on plate.
B. Get rid of them by isolating them in your closed mouth using your tongue. Quietly, deposit them in your closed fist.
C. Use straw to shoot seeds into the back of the head of the person sitting next to you who hasn’t said a word to you all night. Look innocent.
3. Spinach tooth: It’s bound to happen, even in the best establishments. A rather large piece of something bright green is wedged in your teeth. If a few swipes of your tongue don’t dislodge it, the best approach is to …
A. Excuse yourself from the table and go to the powder room. Use devices and maneuvers in private for cleaning ears, nose or teeth.
B. Smile proudly. Explain that it matches your outfit, or say you’re saving it for St. Patrick’s Day.
C. Use a toothpick behind a politely cupped hand.
4. Double dipping: Jason Alexander’s character George Costanza learned this about dip don’ts on one “Seinfeld” episode. Dipping, eating part of the chip, and then re-dipping, is a rule breaker. Anything that’s been in your mouth shouldn’t go back into the communal bowl. Instead …
A. Break any large chips in half before dipping.
B. You need to rethink dips. Take the caveman approach. If you like the dip, there is no better way to claim it as your own. Stand tall and sing a verse of the old folk favorite “This Land Is My Land” as you re-dip, over and over and over. This keeps dip wimps away.
C. Dip, eat, then turn chip around and dip again.
5. Snails: Housed in their spirally shells, these little darlings don’t seem much like food. But submerged in that garlicky butter sauce they can be enticing. The best approach is to …
A. Be assertive. Step on them like you do in the garden. See what pops out and garnish accordingly.
B. Advise the cook, hostess, host or chef that these delectable gastropod mollusks can be removed from their shells and served in small ramekins. Straightening out one’s host or cook is always a good thing.
C. Grab one escargot with the special gripping gizmo provided, open side of shell facing up. Stab critter with two-pronged snail fork. Garlic butter might dribble onto plate below; later it can be mopped up with a small piece of bread stuck on the end of the fork.
6. Olives — the pits, the pleasures: Those pits can be perplexing. Plus, what do you do when an olive is swimming in a hoity-toity cocktail? The best way to handle them is to …
A. Eat around the seed, keeping your mouth closed. Then deposit pit into the utensil that was used to put it into your mouth (if it was your hand, use that).
B. If an olive is immersed in a cocktail, drink the contents, then tilt the glass to roll the olive into your mouth.
C. Buy pitted olives; they’re a lot more fun to stick on the ends of your fingers.
7. In-shell crab and lobster: When these hard-shelled shellfish are served with the shell on, the prospect of eating them can be disconcerting. Soft-shelled crabs can be eaten in their entirety, but the best way to devour the hard-shelled creatures is to …
A. Use a metal cracker or wooden mallet to break through the shell. But crackling crustaceans can make an awful racket at a civilized dinner table. Whistling isn’t a good idea, but voicing loud opinions about the upcoming presidential election is an effective tool for drowning out the noise.
B. Pull off legs and claws. Crack bodies, legs and claws with metal crackers or wooden mallets. Spear meat with sharp little seafood forks and, if desired, dip in melted butter or sauce. A quick flick of the wrist over the plate should eliminate excess dripping butter or sauce.
C. Order lobster removed from their shells. Often when ordered this way it arrives slathered with mayonnaise and returned to its briny shell; it is easily removed with a fork. For crab, order crab cakes or crab Louis (sometimes spelled crab Louie), a salad with hard-cooked eggs, quartered tomatoes and shredded, easy-to-eat lettuce.
8. Shish-kabob shenanigans: The appeal of food on sticks is undeniable. The best way for diners to handle skewers filled with goodies is to …
A. Hold skewer so that tip is touching plate. Push contents off using tines of fork.
B. Use a sharp knife to cut contents away from skewer.
C. Dangle it with tip one-fourth inch from your mouth and regale diners with stories about your days with the circus as a sword swallower.
9. Too hot to handle: When the temperature of the food in your mouth is really, really high (somewhere between 2 gazillion and 3 gazillion degrees), the best thing to do is to …
A. Deposit the too-hot substance on your bread and butter plate.
B. Make demure yelping sounds and wave your arms, then ask for a bag of frozen peas.
C. Grab the nearest water glass and drown the offending food.
10. Life is just a bowl of cherries: Cherry tomatoes can be messy. When you try to bite into them whole, they can splatter like a ball of confetti. If the chef or host hasn’t cut them into manageable bites (usually simply by cutting in halves), you can …
A. Cut them with the side of your fork.
B. Put the entire cherry tomato in your mouth and clamp down on it with lips firmly shut.
C. Push them to the side of the plate. Explain to everyone within earshot that you have an allergy to small tomatoes served by people who should have had more consideration.
11. The napkin tells the tale; utensils, too: Napkins and silverware placement can send signals. A napkin placed on a chair tells servers that you are returning to your seat. When you are finished with your meal …
A. Place your implements across your plate, handles to the right (knife blade inward), in the approximate position of a clock saying 10:20. When you stand to leave, place your napkin on the table.
B. Place your implements parallel in the middle of your plate (knife blade pointing outward), in the approximate position of a clock saying 12:30. When you stand to leave, place your napkin on the table next to the wineglass.
C. Place all utensils in clear view of the hostess or restaurateur. When you stand, suavely clear your throat and drape your napkin over back of chair, folded into a noose.
Answers
1: A; 2: B; 3: A; 4: A; 5: C; 6: A and B; 7: B and C; 8: A; 9: C; 10: B; 11: A.