Sin runs dry in Iowa

NEW ORLEANS – Sin equals flooding.

Two examples should be sufficient.

According to the Bible, when God tired of mankind’s sin, he told Noah to build an ark. He told everyone else to swim as best they could.

According to the Rev. John Hagee of Texas, when God tired of the sins of New Orleans, he caused the federal levees to fail and nearly drown my city.

Armed with this knowledge of the origins of sin, I’ve been asking why so much of Iowa is under water these days. Or, to put it another way, what did Iowa do, to be so waterlogged and blue?

I know the title of the book that I am looking for: “A History of Sin and Iniquity in Iowa Dating From the Origins of the State to the Recent, Resultant Floods.” The problem is, that book has yet to be written.

So I am left trying to piece together small anecdotes of Iowan sin on the assumption that I will achieve a flood-worthy critical mass.

I noticed that the state had established the so-called Iowa Values Fund a few years ago. I presumed it had to do with promoting wholesome family values in contrast to some unsavory values that might have been rearing their sinful heads.

Turns out the fund concerns itself with that greatest of American values, economic development.

Bix Beiderbecke, the great jazz trumpeter, was born in Davenport in 1903. He lived fast and died after 27 years of alcohol abuse and other health issues. Perhaps his hometown has suffered flooding this month because of its annual celebration of this sinner’s achievements.

Still it seems like it would take more than one sinner to flood an entire community.

Perhaps Iowa’s greatest sin, based on Hagee’s theory, was the decision last year by a Polk County judge to overturn the state’s same-sex marriage ban.

What’s more, a proposed state constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage failed to pass in the Iowa Legislature this year. The state Supreme Court may have the last word on this issue. But why would the state be flooded while its highest court deliberates the sins of its future? Couldn’t the waters wait?

While there is certainly sin in Iowa, that state is hardly the poster state for depravity. Small-minded people were quick to point at the sins of New Orleans as the reason for Hurricane Katrina. But, with our fun-loving lifestyle, we’re an easy target, unlike Iowa.

“They really are not known for their sins, they are known for their crops,” said Bruce Raeburn, director of Tulane University’s Hogan Jazz Archives.

Then, perhaps stretching a bit to make the point, Raeburn said, “They grow corn and you can make corn into whiskey. There is subversive potential in what they grow.”

So it has come to this. Even potential sins are drawing floods.

If that’s the case, we’d all better be preparing to swim as best we can.