Stock quotes can liven up an interview

As press conferences go in sports, these are not the best of times. Recent days have given us a testy Jim Calhoun, a backpedaling Alex Rodriguez, a frustrated Jerry Jones.

In contrast, Sean Penn looked positively serene at the Academy Awards, and his media demeanor usually comes across as affable as a bayonet.

What’s a coach or athlete to say, when the pests won’t go away? It’s always good to have just the right quote ready to feed the barracudas. Better yet, have a choice.

•In these dark economic times, anyone with a fat salary can probably count on backlash from the media. Corporate CEOs, Wall Street executives, Connecticut basketball coaches.

So Calhoun grew rather irritable during the weekend when pressed about how his $1.6 million wage at a public institution fits into his state’s huge budget deficit. Next time, his answer could be:

“Go ahead and cut my pay. That means everyone will be OK with 12th place in the Big East, right?”

“You’re asking the wrong guy. If you want to see real dough, go talk to the women’s coach.”

“If GM and Ford would beat Toyota like I beat Syracuse and Georgetown, their big wheels would deserve a nice paycheck, too.”

•Alex Rodriguez’ latest steroid story drew decidedly mixed reviews, as it became more and more evident that he had done more zigzagging than a convoy through U-boat infested waters.

Next time, these might work better:

“If you’re not getting the right answer, maybe you’re just not asking the right question,”

“You really think I’ve been using steroids as a Yankee? Have you looked up my postseason numbers?”

“Doling out the facts a few at a time is better drama. Think of the possibility: ‘A-Rod comes clean - the miniseries.’ ”

•Jerry Jones became particularly annoyed about an ESPN report suggesting that he and his son have been debating about what to do with Terrell Owens. Jones said he is the only one who knows the full story, and has put a gag order on the rest of his organization.

But here’s another way to answer:

“Have you guys seen the final plans for my new football stadium? It has a unique feature. The playing field is in Arlington. The press box is in Waco.”

“Let’s get back to talking about more pertinent football issues – like my quarterback’s sex life.”

•Australian Brendan Jones will be the first match play opponent for Tiger Woods in his grand return to golf this week. When asked how he feels to be in the situation, any of these should work:

“I’ve never won a tournament on the PGA Tour. Some of my greatest moments have come at the Tsuruya Open.”

“If I win the match, I just hope the networks and sponsors are not at the scorer’s tent requesting that we make it best two-out-of-three.”

•Sports Illustrated has reported that Washington Nationals general manager Jim Bowden is included in a federal investigation into possible skimming of signing bonuses paid to Latin American baseball prospects.

Possible responses:

“This is Washington. Surely you can find a juicer scandal than that one.”

“Since when does anyone care what the Nationals do?”

•Dale Earnhardt Jr. spent last week dealing with the fallout from an accident he caused in the Daytona 500. Unusual to see a man with such a beloved name taking a public relations whacking. But any of these comments might help:

“I was just trying to win. The guy who came up with the saying, ‘Nice guys finish last’ was at the time, drinking a beer on the backstretch at Talladega.”

“You seem to want quotes that are fiery enough to toast marshmallows. The Tony Stewart garage is four doors down and on the left.”

“Look at it this way. Our brand of racing needs a good spat every now and then. After all, we don’t have Danica in a swimsuit.”