Dear Annie 8/17
Dear Annie: When I was in my 20s, I thought I was in love with a man who strung me along for his own reasons but obviously didn’t love me. I wasted three years of my life giving him every opportunity I could to love me back. I finally realized intellectually that I needed to break it off, but emotionally, I couldn’t.
I was lucky. I found a book about how to fall out of love with someone. It was based on the psychological principle of aversion therapy. The theory is that your mind has become accustomed to associating the love object with something pleasant that you want and need, such as attention, affection and security, instead of the pain of what you’re really getting, such as rejection, abuse and uncertainty.
The author suggested that whenever I thought about my young man I immediately replace with a mental picture of him doing something disgusting and repulsive.
For me, all I had to do was picture him sitting on the toilet. Someone else might picture their love object being cruel to animals or losing his or her looks. I was “cured” of my addiction to my phony lover in just a few weeks.
Surprise! He married someone else not long after that. The best part was, I didn’t care.
Just a suggestion. It worked for me. – Happy in Houston
Dear Happy in Houston: That is an interesting type of therapy. If it worked for you, that’s awesome. No sense in staying with someone who does not love you. The sooner you discover that, the sooner you can move on and find someone who does.
Dear Annie: “Deliberating Diarist” and others who have asked about what to do with a diary of their most intimate thoughts and experiences might do well to take the long view. As a historian, I have read many diaries, journals and memoirs, some of which were never intended to be read by someone decades or even centuries later.. What I have found in those diaries is the spirit of people who conquered life’s tragedies and difficulties and moved forward often to a good life. Personal diaries can be roadmaps for future generations. They help us navigate our own rocky roads.
“Deliberating Diarist” has a great treasure in her complete diary. Her children will see her and her husband’s struggles and their triumph over alcoholism. This might increase their affection and admiration for their grandfather and offer lessons in persistence and love. Even the saddest diaries help us understand how real lives are lived and help us find beauty and goodness in our own lives. – historian
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.