Miss Manners 12/2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a lowly communications professional at a technology firm. When we have video calls with upper-level people, our leader spits tobacco juice into a bottle. On camera.

He spits elegantly, but I still want him to stop because it’s gross. When we’re in the office, he also does it elegantly andturns away when he spits. Quite unobtrusive. But when he does it on camera, it makes me, his communications adviser, want to hit him.

I am glad we’re working from home. How does one politely notify a senior executive that he has a disgusting habit?

GENTLE READER: No matter how wonderful your leader is, Miss Manners doubts anyone’s ability to spit elegantly.

As a lowly employee, your ability to correct his behavior is limited. But as his communications adviser, you have greater latitude. Explain to him that some customers have expressed concern about his on-camera habit. You wonder if he is aware that this new technology makes every action more noticeable than it is in person, and you were sure he would want to know.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My common sense and my upbringing are in conflict. Based on my upbringing, if I am invited to a wedding, I always send a gift. No exceptions. Even if I do not plan to attend, and even if I am mystified as to how I made the list in the first place. After all, they extended one of their limited invites to me.

In this time of COVID-19, however, I have begun to receive invitations to attend/watch virtual, livestreamed weddings. In these cases, there is no limit on the number of guests. In many cases, I feel like the only explanation for my invitation is that they invited everyone on an email list (e.g., all members of a church or synagogue).

This feels more like a fundraising solicitation than a real wedding invitation! My common sense tells me that there is no need to send a giftjust because I am invited to stream a wedding, unless I have enough of a relationship to the couple that I would have at least considered attending a physical wedding.

What do you think? Are the rules different now? Does an invitation to a virtual wedding require a real gift? Does it matter whether I receive a physical invitation or just an evite?

GENTLE READER: Although she does not wish to criticize your upbringing or your generosity, Miss Manners must protest that requesting a waiver from a rule that does not exist puts her at a disadvantage.

Presents are given voluntarily; they are never mandatory. No exceptions. You are therefore free not to participate– so long as you keep to yourself your feeling that the invitation is brazen gift-fishing.

Send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.