Dear Annie 1/31
Dear Annie: I’m writing out of concern over your response to “Very Sad Mother of a Very Sweet and Special Daughter,” who told you about the abuse that her daughter is experiencing at the hands of her son-in-law. You fell short of what this woman needs to be doing to support her daughter.
Her son-in-law is not only verbally abusive but is also portraying classic domestic abuse tactics to control his wife. He is trying to manipulate this family to control his wife. It is too bad that the mom has not communicated these conversations with her daughter, but you need to respect what she is trying to do. Her gut is most certainly telling her this is not right, but without being truthful to her daughter, she is being complicit and not supportive.
That can end badly for her daughter. As you did advise, she needs to be upfront with her daughter and at least tell her what is going on because she has a right to know.
She thinks her daughter’s heart will be broken to hear what he is saying, but better a broken heart than a broken body or spirit. This mom can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline and get support and information on how she and the rest of the family can best support their daughter and sister.
There was no mention of children, but if he is behaving that way in front of any, then they are being taught that it is normal to treat their mother this way. I am speaking from 20-plus years in working with domestic abuse victims. – Preventing Domestic Violence
Dear Preventing Domestic Violence: Thank you for your insights based on real-world experience, and for your concern.
Dear Annie: Prior to my newest relationship, I have had two other relationships, and both were with emotionally abusive, narcissistic men. For the past three years, I have been completely single and focusing on my kids and myself.
Recently, I’ve started a long-distance relationship with a man who lives in California. I plan to move there in the next few months, so I don’t see an issue since I’ll be out there and we’ll be able to spend a lot more time together.
My question is would it be OK for him to move in with me for the next two to four months – until I move from here to there?
He, too, is in a transitional period in which he is staying with family in order to save money for a house. He had planned on moving to the same location as me, within California, long before we ever began talking.
He’s talked about transferring his job so that we all – my children, myself and him – would move as a group to Los Angeles when that time comes.
I have been doing everything on my own for years, so having him here wouldn’t necessarily be for financial reasons, though he would help, just as he has already. But having him here would be mainly for emotional support for me.
We have been talking and dating for three months. He comes to visit every opportunity he gets. I can tell he is serious and cares a great deal about my children and me.
Do you think it would be wise to allow him to move in? – Feeling Unsure
Dear Feeling Unsure: You should allow him to move in for a few months only if you really want him to and it feels like something that you want to do. If you have any hesitation about it at all, and feel guilted in any way, that will only cause resentment. He could always get an Airbnb.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.