Miss Manners 5/23
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband often compliments ladies – young or old, married or single – by saying how beautiful their hair is or how nice their dress is or that he likes the color.
Some get offended, and some even believe that he’s hitting on them when he’s merely paying compliments. What is the appropriate way to compliment today?
GENTLE READER: Having one’s appearance appraised, even favorably, can be scary from a stranger and demeaning in a businesssituation. What would your husband think if a female colleague said, “I just love your hair”? Or even, “Snazzy shirt! Is it new?” Socially, compliments are lovely provided they are not more personal than the relationship warrants.
Compliments about the body – eyes, hair, whatever – are flirtatious, and best saved for those with whom there is a loving bond. Clothes are only marginally safer. But the best compliments refer to words or actions: “I love your wit” or “That was a great job you did.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter asked her best friend of 17 years to be her maid of honor, and she accepted. Shortly after, there was a rumor that this friend would soon be moving out of state with her sister, 13 hours away.
My daughter is upset with how her friend handled it. The friend told several other people but neglected to tell her “best friend” until a month before the move. Not only that, but she gave her the news via text messageafter they had just spent a week on vacation.
My daughter is hurt and told her she needed a breakfrom the friendship. Now they hardly talk, and she never asks my daughter about wedding plans – but yet is still planning the bachelorette trip.
My daughter isn’t even sure she wants her to stand next to her on the big day but so far hasn’t had a talk with said maid of honor.
What are your thoughts? Does she still deserve to hold that title? Also, this friend’s sister and nephew are in the wedding, as well, so this could cause my daughter to lose three people.
GENTLE READER: Not to mention a 17-year friendship?
Considering how upset your daughter is, to the extent of considering throwing away that long friendship, Miss Manners suspects that the maid of honor might know her friend well enough to have been afraid of telling herabout the move.
And surely, if she is planning a trip in connection with this wedding, that is demonstration enough. It is no small chore to plan such a trip while in the middle of a move.
Miss Manners urges you to help your daughter calm down. It is no time to throw over an old friendship – or, as might strike her as more serious at the moment, a significant portion of her bridal party.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.