Robert Coleman is attacked by a swan this morning after falling in the River Thames near Chertsey, England, while "Swan Upping" (counting swans). You write the cutline.

Top Cutlines:

1. A scientific study on the effect of human screeching on wildlife went tragically wrong last Thursday when a swan, subjected to 8 non-stop hours of Howard Dean's "I Have a Scream" speech, went beserk and badly mauled his handler. Services for the Otis the Swan will be held tomorrow at Whispering Pines Animal Cemetary -- The Heimlich Maneuver.

2. "Who ugly now, Robby? Huh?! Who's ugly now!?!?! Tell me! C'mon, tell me! WHO IS UGLY NOW?!?!?" -- Family Phil.

3. "You know, old chap, I'm terribly cranky this morning because the kiddies forgot to bring me my bread crumbs. So take your silly white hat and get the heck out of my river!" -- A Token Democrat.

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