Rams In Wonderland Ends Today

America is a great nation, particularly on weekends. Take St. Louis, for instance. One year ago - on your typical Sunday - the Gateway to the West could claim 900 churches, 89 parks, 48 radio stations, seven TV stations, one huge arch, one Dan Dierdorf and no professional football team. One year later, St. Louis has the unbeaten, untied, undaunted, unassailable, unavoidable and mostly unbelievable Rams.

There are two NFL teams at 4-0. One of them is the Dallas Cowboys, the other is not the San Francisco 49ers.

Entering this season, no NFL team in the 1990s had been worse than the Rams. Entering this Sunday, no NFL team in 1995 has been better than the Rams. How do we explain this?

Turnovers, my friends, turnovers.

In 1995, the Rams have forced 14 turnovers and committed none. Turnovers will kill you - you know it, I know it, we all know it. Hey, turnovers killed my marriage.

Also, the Rams have gotten a lift from moving out of Los Angeles. Against the Bears last Sunday, the Rams set a Busch Stadium attendance mark of 59,679. There were only 45 no-shows, all of whom were accounted for at an open-pit barbecue/bunting clinic hosted by Tim McCarver.

In addition, it must be pointed out that two of the Rams’ four victories have come against winless teams (New Orleans and Carolina). But, ladies and gentlemen, in the NFL a win is a win is a win, unless, of course, you are in Jacksonville, where a win is something other folks do.

Now comes the bad news (St. Louis natives are asked to please shade their eyes for the next 10 seconds):

From 4-0, the Rams could be headed for 8-8.

The Man hates to jump off a shiny new bandwagon, but this one has no spare tire. The Rams have a relatively soft schedule to navigate, but the driver is Chris Miller, the kicker is Steve McLaughlin and, well, Dan Dierdorf still lives in town. Curiously, St. Louis is a 2-1/2-point underdog this week at Indianapolis, and, curiously, I am compelled to take the Colts.

(Business note: The U.S. Patent Office has given me approval to trademark the names “The Man,” “The Loser” and “Disgruntled Ex-Husband.”)

As always, all picks against the point spread should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:

Chargers at Steelers (-2)

OK, so the refs were wrong in Pittsburgh. Steelers coach Bill Cowher was more wrong. You don’t kick up a firestorm, rant like Ralph Kramden, sprint onto the field of play, charge an official and stuff a Polaroid into his pocket. That’s how you incite a riot; a similar incident marred my wedding. Pick: Steelers.

Buccaneers (-6) at Panthers

At Panthers’ home opener, there were 22,000 empty seats. Where are all the Carolina fans, at Denny’s? Maybe ticket prices are too high - “Thirty nine ninety nine, are you out of your mind?” … Panthers already 0-4, as league office inadvertently charged them with loss during bye week. Pick: Panthers.

Cowboys (-13) at Redskins

In last three meetings, Dallas has beaten Washington by 38-3, 34-7 and 31-7. This is what we call in the handicapping business “a mountain of physical evidence” that can lead to only one verdict. Pick: Cowboys.

Jaguars at Oilers (-9-1/2)

Last week, Houston QB Chris Chandler - that’s Chandler, usually spelled T-H-R-E-E-A-N-D-O-U-T - was 23 of 26 for 352 yards and four touchdowns. Wow. Those are Strat-o-Matic stats. Pick: Jaguars.

Raiders (-7-1/2) at Jets

If you had a choice Sunday night between watching the Jets on TNT or “Showgirls” at the theater, what would you do? Hint: You can always get score updates from a pay phone. Pick: Jets.

Giants at 49ers (-15)

Giants need to be turnover-free to win this one. But, frankly, asking Dave Brown not to throw picks is like asking Mickey Rourke not to trash the place. Pick: 49ers.

Chiefs (-2) at Cardinals

For added home-field advantage at steamy Sun Devil Stadium, Cardinals have installed ceiling fans on their sideline only. Pick: Cardinals.

Broncos (-3-1/2) at Seahawks

During jury instructions, Judge Lance Ito surprised panelists by telling them never to bet road favorites in AFC West divisional matchups. Pick: Seahawks.

Dolphins (-10) at Bengals

Citing popularity of dad’s golf cart last year, Bengals coach Dave Shula to wear Rollerblades on sideline. Pick: Dolphins.

Bills at Browns (-7)

If Ross Perot’s third-party bid fails, he might want to take a hard look at fixing Buffalo’s special teams. Pick: Bills.

Eagles at Saints (-2-1/2)

New breed of Saints fan to show up at Superdome wearing biodegradable bags. Pick: Saints.

Patriots at Falcons (-2)

Scott Zolak - yes, Scott Zolak - outguns red-faced Jeff George. Book it, Bucky. Pick: Patriots.

Last week: 5-5-2.

Season record: 28-24-5.