Show Unflagging Interest To Sway Teenage Daughter

‘It ain’t what you know that’ll get you in trouble. It’s what you know that ain’t so!” - Will Rogers

Dear Jennifer: My daughter’s father was awarded custody of her a few years ago. She is 13. A counselor who I met with for one hour testified that I was an abusive parent. He was a member of United Fathers of America. In a previous evaluation another counselor had testified that my daughter had been taught how to answer by her father.

I believe women need to be aware of this organization and the potential damage they can do. I have been harassed by petty court petitions for 10 years and my daughter has been constantly manipulated and used for revenge.

What can I do? She is my only child. I feel such loss. I don’t know how to communicate with her against these odds. - Solo parent

Dear Solo: Given your daughter’s age and the circumstances I think you should give up on the battle and invest in the long term. Send her funny cards with notes of love but never mention the conflict. Say only that you love her and miss her. Send gifts on special days that show you care about her. Ask her about her favorite styles, color, music, interests, friends, etc. if you get to speak with her, or in your notes. Tell her positive things about your life. Send messages through common acquaintances that just cheer her on. “I’ve heard that Susie is doing well in school” or, “She looked so good in the last picture I saw.”

Become a benign presence even if it is a struggle. You have to be a source of steady love and calm with a single message, “I am here and I care about you.” It may take 10 years but one day all those positive messages will get through. People can sway the minds of their children, but not forever.

I recently heard from a man who used these ideas 10 years ago when I first began this column. His ex-wife had “turned” his 14-year-old son away from him. His only contact was to park in front of the boy’s school every morning, on his way to work, and wave to his son. It took two years of waves but now father and son are close. The son told him that his constant, non-judgmental efforts made all the difference. - Jennifer

Dear Jennifer: One of your recent columns set me to thinking about common sense. It’s been on my mind, hearing so much of the death of it and other depressing rumors.

I believe that common sense is that which leads us to know what is best for the common good … and that, to me, is a spiritual thing. After a lot of “soul searching,” I have come to define soul as that part of me which connects me to other living beings.

Having said all that, I’d like to wind up by saying I am enchanted by your selection of the dolphin to serve as a symbol for the “Common Sense Party” … the fast, smart and playful ideology fits so well with body, mind and soul, who could ask to be anything more? Well, one could ask to be sensitive, but in order to play fair, it is understood that one will be sensitive, right?

Gratefully, hopefully and sincerely - Pat

Dear Pat: Ah, common sense, common good. I have been ruminating lately about just what is wrong. Where once I would have described myself as a bleeding-heart moderate, I now believe I’m a bleeding-heart conservative. Common sense, to me, is compassionate capitalism. People must work productively, pay for their behavior when it is hurtful to themselves or the community, and be responsible for the common good. That includes CEOs and current welfare recipients.

We do need a safety net but only for those who truly are caught in tragedies or unpredictable limitations. We do not need subsidies for wealthy mining, farming, sports and manufacturing interests. We cannot subsidize people who show no interest in the common good by their destructive lifestyles. But where do we draw the line in this new world?

That is where we lose common sense. We have such complex lives, options and interests compared to a generation ago that we do not know how to define common good so we resort to extremes. Some rich people expect subsidies because poor people get them. Some poor people expect subsidies for a lifetime whether they work or not. The rest of us are just confused at the turning upside down of fairness.

Marshall McLuhan said the price of “implosion” (self-knowledge) and interdependence (urban living) for modern man would be far more painful than explosion (moving out into the world) and independence was for tribal man. That is what we see. Our increasing self-knowledge and knowledge of others confuse us while our increasing greed separates us. We are connecting and separating at the same time and we have few leaders to chart our direction.

So keep your humor and your sense of play as we surf these waves of change. - Jennifer

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review