Sonics Could Spoil Bulls’ Sweet Spring

Is there a shrink in the house? Thanks, Doc. You’re our only hope. We’re trying to handicap the NBA playoffs, and the critical questions have nothing to with the Bulls’ triangle offense, the Sonics’ trapping defense or Hakeem’s Fred Astaire footwork.

“Relax on the couch and fire away.”

Are Dennis Rodman’s tattoos some kind of Rorschach test gone overboard?

“No, but if you look closely at the Worm’s left shoulder, you can see Bob Dole begging Colin Powell to join the Republican ticket.”

Has the Worm turned? He doomed San Antonio’s chances last year when he lounged on the bench, sans shoes.

“Look for Rodman to be on his best behavior. His instability is rivaled only by his business sense, and with his contract set to expire, he knows no team will touch him next season if he implodes during this postseason.”

Does that mean the Bulls are a lock?

“As long as Michael Jordan doesn’t lose track of time at the blackjack table.”

So the playoffs will have all the drama of baseball in April?

“Don’t be so sure. History says we’re in for a wild ride.

“This is only the third time three teams have recorded at least 60 victories. In 1968, Boston won 68 games, Milwaukee and Los Angeles 60 apiece. But the Knicks won the title.

“In 1981, Boston and Philly won 62, Milwaukee 60. The 76ers beat the Bucks by one point in Game 7 of the Eastern semis, and the Celtics beat the 76ers by one point in Game 7 of the Eastern finals, en route to the championship.

“Also realize that if San Antonio hadn’t lost a meaningless game Sunday to Dallas, the NBA would have had four 60-win teams for the first time.”

I thought you were a psychiatrist.

“A psychiatrist with cable.”

Who could challenge Chicago?

“Start with Seattle. The Sonics won 64 games, merely the ninth-best regular season in NBA history, and they split their two games with the Bulls. In fact, when Seattle beat Chicago 97-92 in November, the Bulls scored only 28 second-half points.

“Orlando won 60 games and has the inside presence (Shaquille O’Neal) necessary to beat Chicago. Los Angeles has Magic Johnson, who guided the Lakers to nine NBA Finals in 12 years from 1980-91.

“And don’t forget Houston. The Rockets have won consecutive titles, thank you very much, and have the planet’s best center in Olajuwon. Sure, they only won 48 games during the regular season, but that’s one more than last season.”

Don’t some of these teams have psychological baggage?

“There’s an understatement.

“Seattle has flamed out in the first round the past two years, and in 1994 it was as the No. 1 seed in the West. Plus, the Sonics have Shawn Kemp, who was bypassed for the U.S. Olympic team because of his erratic behavior.

“Kemp missed three team flights during the season and then got into a senseless altercation with Denver’s Tom Hammonds on Sunday. The NBA on Tuesday suspended Kemp for Game 1 of Seattle’s first-round series against Sacramento.

“One plus for the Sonics: They traded away guard Kendall Gill, a locker room cancer, and replaced him with Hersey Hawkins, a true team player.

“Orlando must cope with the temperamental O’Neal, who’s a butcher at the foul line. Los Angeles has two flakes in Nick Van Exel and Cedric Ceballos.

“With Olajuwon in the middle and Rudy Tomjanovich on the sidelines, Houston has the serenity needed to survive postseason. But the Rockets have four players - Robert Horry, Clyde Drexler, Sam Cassell and Olajuwon - hobbled by nagging injuries.” Give it to me straight, Doc.

“Chicago and Seattle in the Finals. Bulls in six.