Get Him When He’s Out In The Open

Dear Miss Manners: Some months ago, a married man made an improper suggestion to me. Ordinarily, I would have pinned his ears back, but this man and his wife are dear friends of my aunt, and the suggestion was made at a social event.

I instead informed him that since I liked and respected his wife, I would assume the suggestion was made in jest. He did not take the hint and I was forced to walk away.

I now feel uncomfortable at the idea of having to socialize with him, as I fear that his behavior may be repeated and I’ll have to box his ears. I have learned from friends that he is in the habit of making improper suggestions to young ladies - and of acting on said suggestions if given any encouragement.

While I feel for his wife, I certainly do not know her well enough to tell her about my experience. She probably already knows. We live in a small town with the usual small-town gossip.

Nor am I sure that I should mention it to my aunt, as she would become distressed and feel obligated to “do something about it.”

If I could get him alone, I could explain matters to him, ensuring not only that he wouldn’t bother me, but that he would go in fear of me for the rest of his days. However, I don’t wish to be alone with him.

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is delighted to hear you use those delicious old-fashioned, ringing phrases: “I’ll have to box his ears” and “He would go in fear of me for the rest of his days.”

The modern equivalent, “He is obviously sick and needs help” just doesn’t do the job. Nor do more direct responses that establish that the lady practices crudeness herself and therefore may be presumed to condone it in general, if not in the particular instance.

When ladies are treated improperly, they should be indignant and outraged. And so you are.

But then you turned timid. That idea about having to be alone with him to chastise him is every bit as bad as you think it is. Maybe worse.Not that Miss Manners disagrees about your sparing his poor wife. The new custom of condemning the long-suffering would be deplorable even if the word “enabler” weren’t deplorable all by itself.

The good, as well as the bad, can take advantage of the social setting to plant a pithy word. Just as he knew the proximity of others inhibited you from making a scene, you can count on it to inhibit him from making one when you give him a mean smile and hiss about what will happen to him if he ever dares say such a thing in your presence again - to you or to anyone else.

Dear Miss Manners: My best friend (we have been living together happily for a year) has five children. One daughter, who has a highly successful career, is planning a wedding of notable proportions. I am retired, and my wardrobe does not include a business suit.

I am told a dark business suit will be de rigueur for the afternoon church ceremony and reception, particularly because my friend would like me to accompany her as if I were a family member. Her former husband and his family will be present, and she wants me to be impeccable in appearance.

I should like to oblige, but am not inclined to buy a suit which I shall wear only once. If I cannot rent or borrow a dark suit, may I attend the wedding or the reception in a casual jacket and trousers?

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners congratulates you on having reached retirement age without ever having lost a friend. Or do you attend funerals wearing sports clothes, each time claiming that it would be foolish to buy something you would only wear once?

No matter how many circumstances you may plead - and poverty is always a good one - wearing a suit is the way gentlemen at all economic levels symbolize respect. Miss Manners suspects that if you announce symbolically to your best friend’s family that you recognize no occasions worthy of yours, you will end up paying more for the lack of a suit than you would have paid for the suit.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate