Realize She’s Not A Public Servant

Dear Miss Manners: I wish to write to a queen, and would like instructions on the proper etiquette. The only things I have in common with her is that we married men from the same country, we are from the same country, and soon I will be living in her country.

Is this done? My husband said that you can’t write to a queen like you write to the president.

Gentle Reader: The proper etiquette for writing to a queen is to refrain from offering her advice on how better to manage her family, livestock or country unless she has asked you for it. Presidents, in contrast, are the public servants of their constituents, and may be presumed to want to know how these people want the country run.

But perhaps you only want to know the mechanics. The letter is addressed, on two lines, to: “Her Majesty/Queen Snow White III” or, in some countries, on three lines: “Her Majesty/Snow White III/Queen of the Forest.”

The letter opens with “Your Majesty” or “Madam,” unless you are also a queen, in which case it opens, “Madam My Sister” regardless of whether you are related; or if you are an Alice fan, in which case you may correctly open with, “May it please Your Majesty.”

If you share the queen’s nationality, it could close with “I have the honour to remain, Madam, Your Majesty’s most humble and obedient subject.” But if the country of which you are a citizen happened to have revolted against hers successfully, “Respectfully yours” will do.

Dear Miss Manners: When offered a treat such as a piece of gum or a mint, is it considered rude to accept and slip it in your pocket, announcing that you intend to eat the treat later? Or must you feel obligated to refuse if you don’t consume it immediately?

Gentle Reader: People do not go around offering to stockpile one another’s reserves with groceries. These little treats are meant to be consumed on the spot.

However, Miss Manners is willing to put this in perspective. She is not claiming that offering a stick of gum is a high act of hospitality intended to bind host and guest in a mutually satisfying ritual of chewing in unison. It is possible that such offers come more from a mere desire to chew, politely modified by the etiquette rule requiring sharing one’s treats.

So she would let it pass if the intended guest asked “Do you mind if I save that for later?” because that is nicer than merely announcing such an intention.

There is one caveat, however. Mints should be consumed on the spot when offered. There may be a dire reason for its being produced.

Dear Miss Manners: My longtime family doctor consulted my chart and then exclaimed, “Well, Mrs. Jones, you’re getting some mileage on you there!”

I was stunned. Am I out of line to expect that the pricey medical schools training M.D.s should impart not only knowledge to cure us of ills, but also basic sensitivity, so as not to raise our already elevated blood pressure?

I realize that one’s age is an important factor for a doctor to assess when making a diagnosis. But I resent the inference that I, having lost the bloom of youth, am being put into the same category as a used old car.

How can I come back at the doctor without offending him?

Gentle Reader: As your doctor would undoubtedly claim that he was just being jolly with no intention of insulting you, Miss Manners suggests that you be jolly back.

In the spirit of raillery, you could say, “Well, I figure that I’m old enough not to have to put up with disrespectful remarks about how old I am.”

This is not hilarious, Miss Manners admits, but if said pleasantly, it could pass for the teasing tone he attempted. Or you could invoke the privilege of age to say gently, “Young man, I gather you’re inexperienced in dealing with people my age, or you wouldn’t say that.”

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Feature Syndicate