Only Dire Circumstances Excusable

Dear Miss Manners: Is it incorrect to leave an event when a speaker is still talking? I ask because I attended a luncheon with a speaker, and quietly excused myself before she was finished. I was sitting next to the door, and the room was very big. Nobody noticed that I left, because many others were leaving, too. Was this rude?

Gentle Reader: The speaker noticed, Miss Manners promises you. The speaker thought it was rude. Looking up from a podium and facing even one disappearing back, instead of a collection of faces beaming with breaking enlightenment is one of life’s disheartening experiences.

However, Miss Manners is willing to judge the situation disinterestedly. What were the circumstances?

If the speaker had been asked to talk for 40 minutes and was well into her second hour, or if the auditorium was on fire, it would be permissible to leave. People overcome with coughing fits or going into labor are also excused.

In large groups, and in all-day sessions where there are many speeches, there may also be some unavoidable exits. These should be made inconspicuously, and your definition of leaving with others so that you are not the sole focus of attention does not qualify. Anyone who anticipates having to leave early should sit near the door and go quickly and quietly.

The better rule is that people who cannot wait until a speech ends should leave before it begins.

Dear Miss Manners: Five couples, all friends invited to the wedding of the daughter of another friend, decided upon a specific dollar amount for gifts for the bridal couple, and gave the money to one friend to purchase shower and wedding gifts. The shower gift appeared to have passed inspection, but after the wedding gift was delivered, we each received a call from the mother of the bride, in tears.

She stated that she and her family were very hurt and thought our friendship was worth much more than what we had spent on the present. We were unaware of the fact that friendship had a dollar amount, and the consensus among the gift-givers was that the presents were more than adequate.

Today we all received personal checks from the mother of the bride for the amount that she thought we paid.

Needless to say, we are all hurt. In effect, we were uninvited to the wedding. We are totally disappointed with the situation and do not desire to see these people again.

Gentle Reader: It seems to Miss Manners that you got a bargain. Few people have such a clear knowledge of how much their friendship means or so easy an opportunity to decline to purchase it.

However, Miss Manners believes it would be going too far to profit from this lesson financially. She suggests that all you spurned people agree not to cash the refund checks. Ignoring this gross insult is haughtier than complying with its terms. Besides, you will mess up her checkbook for months to come.

Dear Miss Manners: Where does one put or place the napkin when setting the table? On the right or left?

Gentle Reader: If the napkin is not placed on the plate when dinner begins, it should be placed to the diner’s left. This is one of those points that people love to deride as trivial - until they reach for a napkin and it isn’t there, because the person on the left reached for the right, and the person on the right reached for the left.

Then they discover that finicky Miss Manners has a point - it is no trivial matter to have to eat dinner unaided by a napkin, and locked between two people of whom one is highly suspicious.