Try To Steer The Dolts’ Chatter

Dear Miss Manners: How might a hostess plan a baby shower where the environment is such that no one is tempted to talk about gory labors?

I have listened to tales of 52-hour labors, emergency caesareans, episiotomies that never healed and newborns swept off to intensive care who most surely would have died otherwise. And then there are the accounts of women who attempted to breast-feed but their nipples almost fell off because they became so sore.

In general, labor stories are just plain boring, but at baby showers they tend to unsettle the guest of honor. A baby shower ought to be a downpour of support and encouragement for the mother-to-be, not an opportunity to tell horror stories.

I have been unsuccessful at attempts to change the subject. How do I politely tell these women to shut up?

I try to find a moment when I can talk to the mother-to-be alone. I apologize for the stories she has heard and tell her that my own three labors were uncomplicated, that birth is a beautiful, profound experience, and that I wish her well. I tell her that I successfully breast-fed three children, and that if she chooses to breast-feed I hope she will call me if she runs into any difficulties. I tell her that becoming a mother is exciting and rewarding.

Do you feel I am being appropriate?

Gentle Reader: To pass up such a marvelous opportunity to scare a friend half to death when she is at her most vulnerable? As you have noticed, a great many people seem to think this is helpful. Or at least not harmful.

Miss Manners will do them the courtesy of believing that they have simply registered that birth is the topic of the day and are nattering on about their own safely past experiences without considering that their friend is in a very different position.

This is not nice. Their friend is, after all, the guest of honor. Why are they there, if not to take an optimistic interest in her feelings?

Miss Manners finds it odd that they can recall every difficulty of labor, birth and breast-feeding, without recalling that one of the chief unpleasantnesses of pregnancy is having to listen to other people’s worst-case recollections and predictions.

Bless you for being more understanding. And while you cannot scold guests for their behavior, you might attempt to cajole the offenders into remembering how a first-time expectant mother feels. One way would be to lead the discussion to happy experiences, perhaps giving your own to everyone (abandoning that excellent rule against recounting labor stories on the grounds that everyone there can participate), and asking whether anyone else escaped what appears to be an unusual run of bad luck in the crowd.

Another is to turn back the clock on those reminiscences, by asking for funny stories about etiquette violations against pregnant ladies - unauthorized tummy pattings, nosy questions and, incidentally, ridiculous horror stories.

Dear Miss Manners: As a retired teacher, I am often invited to class reunions, including all the festivities. Several times I have received invitations which requested payment for dinner to be included along with the reply form. Please comment.

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is afraid that these classes are not paying attention.

Unless you are talking about last year’s kindergarten class, which might be forgiven for thinking adults are always happy to pay for the pleasure of being with children, alumni should treat any teachers they wish to invite as their guests. At the least, the price on the invitation should have been crossed out on your copy.

A letter of congratulations to the class expressing your regret that a retired teacher’s salary permits few outings would be appropriate.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate