Even Hatcher, In All Her Glory, Can’t Save These ‘Prisoners’
Fans of “Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman” who venture out to “Heaven’s Prisoners” for a glimpse of Teri Hatcher nude will pay dearly for that cheap thrill.
Yes, the latest Lois Lane does appear in all her nakedness in one brief scene. Suddenly there she is, as advertised, perched on a balcony.
The price for whatever fleeting jollies that scene may provide is two hours plus of soul-deadening, mind-numbing trash. Heading into Hour No. 2 of “Heaven’s Prisoners,” you start to feel like a prisoner yourself.
It’s Alec Baldwin, not Hatcher, who is the main star of this exploitation film, which is based on the book by James Lee Burke. He plays Dave Robicheaux, a recovering alcoholic and former homicide detective who gets involved with mobsters and mayhem when an airplane goes down in the waters near his Louisiana-bayou home.
Dave and his wife (Kelly Lynch) rescue a young Salvadoran girl from the wreckage. Then Dave looks into the shady circumstances surrounding the crash.
The twisted - too twisted - trail leads to Bubba Rocque (Eric Roberts), an old mobster friend. It also leads to Bubba’s wife, played by Hatcher.
This is a woman whose most memorable character traits are the butterfly tattoo on her belly and her consistent habit of not using coasters with her drinks.
I only wish I were joking.
It’s tough to say what’s harder to take in “Heaven’s Prisoners”: The ugly violence (shootings, beatings, etc.) that keeps erupting or the cliche-ridden filler (strippers, drunks, etc.) between the violent scenes.
The cast struggles in vain, but director Phil Joanou and screenwriters Harley Peyton and Scott Frank overwhelm them with junk. Besides, Baldwin can’t get past his unconvincing Big Easy accent, while Lynch and Roberts have little to do.
Only Mary Stuart Masterson, as Dave’s stripper buddy, survives. At times, she seems to be doing a Madeline Kahn impression, and it’s fun.
As for poor Teri Hatcher, she just seems used. Maybe she was waiting for Superman to save her.
xxxx 1. “Heaven’s Prisoners” Location: North Division cinemas Credits: Directed by Phil Joanou; starring Alec Baldwin, Kelly Lynch, Mary Stuart Masterson, Eric Roberts, Teri Hatcher Running time: 2:12 Rating: R
2. Other views Here’s what other critics say about “Heaven’s Prisoners:” Chris Hewitt/St. Paul Pioneer Press: “Heaven’s Prisoners” … has a keen sense of place - there’s a spiffy chase scene in the French Quarter, and a gorgeous image of Dave clearing a path through an algae-covered swamp. Director Phil Joanou faithfully recreates Burke’s book and, although he misses some of its humor, he does a beautiful job with its spare, unsentimental ending. I hope they turn him lose on the rest of the Robicheaux books right away. Todd Camp/Fort Worth StarTelegram: Writer James Lee Burke’s series of mystery novels featuring exNew Orleans cop Dave Robicheaux has seemed like a ripe Hollywood property for some time now. It took a talented actor like Alec Baldwin, with a nose for fully realized characters, to hustle the project into production. … But in spite of Baldwin’s competent performance, top-notch roles from supporting players and Joanou’s elegant camera work, “Heaven’s Prisoners” never quite succeeds at sucking in the audience.