This Will Be Of Help To Others

Dear Ann Landers: I had to write after reading the letter from “California,” who finally found the courage to leave her abusive, alcoholic husband and raise her kids alone. They turned out great and she couldn’t be happier. She was lucky.

Most people see alcoholics as derelicts and falling-down drunks. They cannot understand how anyone could live with an alcoholic and not know it. Alcoholics are not always abusive. They can be extremely charming. They become whatever person you need or want in your life. Many intelligent, well-educated people have been fooled.

At first, you may see them drink occasionally. Maybe they’ll “go out with the guys” one night a week. If you stick around long enough, you’ll see them drinking seven nights a week and the drinking will start as early as noon.

The alcoholic is very good at convincing you that you are the problem. You begin to doubt yourself. Spouses of alcoholics often suffer from a wide variety of physical ailments such as chronic headaches, ulcers and gastrointestinal problems. Depression and anxiety attacks are also common due to the constant stress. Children of alcoholics may exhibit behavioral problems and do poorly in school.

I know all this because after years of living with an alcoholic, I was on the verge of suicide. My children kept me alive. After a lot of therapy and Al-Anon, I finally learned I was not crazy and I didn’t need that man in my life.

My alcoholic husband left his first wife for me and then he left me for another woman. I hope one day when that woman starts to feel crazy, she will call me. If no one else will listen to her, I will. - Happy to Be Alive in Indiana

Dear Indiana: Your letter is sure to open a lot of eyes today. Thanks on behalf of all of the readers you helped educate.

Dear Ann Landers: I gave birth to my first child last April. “Crystal” was 12 weeks premature and weighed less than 2 pounds. We were afraid that she would die or have severe handicaps, but we were blessed with good fortune as her only remaining requirement is the extra oxygen she receives through a nasal tube worn 24 hours a day.

Her doctors told us, “Don’t let her alter your lifestyle.” We took their advice and take Crystal everywhere. She’s been to the mall, five restaurants, a small boat harbor and the county fair.

Because the nasal tube makes her look different, I have received a lot of unsolicited and rude comments. People ask, “What’s wrong with her? Was she born that way? What’s her problem?” I do not wish to discuss my daughter’s medical condition with strangers, and considering the handicaps she might have had, my husband and I feel there’s nothing wrong with Crystal at all.

Ann, please alert the boneheads out there that if they see a child who is “different,” to coo over the baby the way they would a “normal” child. The parents already know their child looks different, and they love the child anyway. The anguish they have already gone through doesn’t need to be rehashed to satisfy a stranger’s curiosity. A kind word would make a world of difference. - Grateful Mom in Buffalo, N.Y.

Dear Buffalo Mom: Thank you for speaking up about an intensely personal matter. You have performed a valuable service by sharing your problem with millions of readers today. Many of them will see themselves and be reminded of your letter when they see a child who is “different.”