Patriotically, I Say, Help Him

Dear Miss Manners: A very dear friend of mine has just been named as ambassador to a fairly fly-specked post. It is his first ambassadorship, and he is thrilled. Unfortunately, I will not accompany him.

He is a darling, thoughtful, attractive person, but has terrible table manners. I have gently informed him of his more egregious problems, but have never worried too much. Now I don’t know what to do.

I have found that the State Department provides no training in this area. Do I become bossy and didactic in the national interest, or do I let him become a darling, thoughtful, attractive ambassador with terrible table manners?

Gentle Reader: Are you asking Miss Manners to suspend the rule against freelance etiquette-correcting by invoking national security?

All right. As you seem to be both diplomatically inclined and fond of the gentleman, she will trust you.

Although Miss Manners can hardly expect the State Department to teach such basics of civilization as table manners and toilet training, the lack of them can indeed handicap an otherwise able diplomat. If he argues that table manners are unimportant, inquire whether he plans to make light of the customs, including the eating customs, of the country to which he is assigned.

But even if he respects foreign customs more than his own, he cannot be unaware that people all over the world are familiar with American manners, which are more or less the standard of international diplomacy. Does your friend really want to risk suggesting symbolically that the United States has sent them an ambassador who isn’t up to American standards - who is, dare Miss Manners say, what you might call fly-specked?

Dear Miss Manners: My best friend was working with an ex-boyfriend of mine whom I hadn’t seen in years, and we all decided to go to lunch.

He stated that he was married, and I expressed how happy I was for him. He gave me his card and said we should do lunch again, saying, “I would love for you to meet my wife.”

I let four months pass and called him, saying “Let’s go to lunch. Bring your lovely wife along. I would love to meet her.”

We hadn’t finalized the plans, and after five days had passed, my secretary stated, “A man keeps calling but doesn’t leave a message.”

I assumed it was him and called asking “So do you and your wife want to get together for lunch?” In an extremely cold tone, he said, “I will have to call YOU back.”

For a few moments, I felt like a desperate woman pursuing him. I can understand that his wife was not interested in the lunch plans, but don’t you think he was extremely rude in the way he turned down the offer - especially since it was his idea in the first place? How should I handle this should I run into the two of them?

Gentle Reader: The meanest thing you could do would be to pretend nothing had happened, and rush up to him with a hug and a lot of affectionate babble about how happy you are to see him and how delighted to meet his lovely wife whom he has talked so much about.

Miss Manners is not in the business of recommending meanness. She is only pointing out that it is your duty to keep within the bounds of politeness, but not your responsibility to deal with unpleasant interpretations of innocent good wishes.

The polite thing is to treat him coolly, as someone who has slighted you, without giving weight to the obvious possibility that this rudeness was inspired by his wife’s lack of trust in him.

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate