An Earful In The Ivory Tower Of Babble

Since I speak politonics, I understood immediately what the Clinton administration was saying when it rejected funding for ebonics.

“The administration’s policy is that ebonics is a nonstandard form of English and not a foreign language,” said an administration official in a terse response to the unanimous vote of the Oakland, Calif., school board that declared ebonics as a separate and primary language of AfricanAmerican students. Ebonics is a term for “black English” that combines “ebony” and “phonics.”

Only people trained in politonics - a term combining “politician” and “phonics” - understood what the administration really said.

“We do not want to say anything that will jeopardize African-American votes, but now that several prominent African-Americans have spoken out in opposition to the Oakland school board action we have the political cover we need to state the obvious.”

Administration linguists, writing in the politonics language, said they feared that declaring ebonics a separate language would make it difficult to hand out $130 billion in tax cuts to the middle-class families of soccer moms who also vote for Democrats.

The Oakland school trustees deny it now, but many observers believe that the board wanted to qualify for federal and state bilingual funds for African-American students who make up 53 percent of the district’s enrollment and 71 percent of its special education students. After all, the government hands out money to school districts to help Asian and Hispanic students learn standard English, why not more money to help black students do the same?

Also included in the brief administration response to the Oakland school board action was the clear politonics message that recognition of ebonics as a separate language might start a trend that would be difficult to stop.

For instance, I would like to apply for Department of Education Title 7 funds to teach politonics. I see a need for the taxpayers to be fluent in the separate language of politicians. But first, just like the Oakland school district, I would use the money to teach teachers.

Have you ever noticed how nearly all money that goes to special educational projects is spent teaching teachers how to teach the new program. After all that money is spent, then more money is needed before teachers teach the students, unless, of course, it is determined that more teacher training is needed first.

Someone needs to get a grant to teach eduonics, a term that combines “educator” and “phonics.” Also known as edubabble, only other educators can understand eduonics. Press releases in eduonics invariably elicit the response, “Huh?”

Another language that deserves government funding is jockonics, which combines “jock” and “onics.” What do players really mean when they say everyone puts on their pants one leg at a time or they are going to dance with them that brung them?

Adult Americans would like to learn the separate language of teenonics. All adults were once fluent in teenonics, but now it makes no sense whatsoever. You just want to grab one of these pimply teenage polyglots and yell, “Speak English, for God’s sake! And turn down that noise!”

Most Americans also need a crash course in nerdonics, which is the separate language of computers. It needs Title 7 government funding.

Anyone who has ever been to a doctor knows the need to learn doconics. What did he write on that piece of paper? Is he really saying that he has no idea what’s wrong with you but more tests will help pay off his sailboat?

Oakland educrats made a good run at ebonics, but Washington politicasters shot them down in eloquent politonics.

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