Bigoted Remark Calls For A Reply

Dear Miss Manners: At a hen party where I was an outsider, the hostess and her friends were very welcoming. A neighbor began talking about her favorite elder with the warm fuzzies people usually relate about those whose memories are cloaked in innocence and goodwill.

It came out that the grandmother was born to a family with slaves. Well, the neighbor didn’t have any more control over this than I did, so I didn’t have a problem with it. In fact, I have always found it annoying when people whine on and on about slavery as though they had experienced it themselves. We all know what it did and, finally, we can start undoing some of the damage, so let’s move on. Right?

But I wasn’t ready to hear my neighbor declare how happy the slaves were!

If that wasn’t bad enough, the plantation was owned by a master whose surname is the same as mine, although my family was not in bondage in the same state.

I felt humiliated and, unaccustomed to carrying this kind of baggage around, I was incredulous at my own anger. I managed to keep my poise, however.

I don’t think there is anything to be said by me - the moment is long gone. Rather, I think if I cannot let go of it, I should quietly make other friends. I’ve seen questions about bigoted in-laws or crude co-workers - but here is one of those embarrassing situations where a nice person got in too deep and left hurt feelings she knows absolutely nothing about.

Gentle Reader: There seems to be a great deal your neighbor knows absolutely nothing about. Human nature, history, empathy - that sort of thing. So Miss Manners would understand why one might not care to be friends with her.

Yet there is a way to relieve yourself of your anger without making the scene that you (and Miss Manners) feel to be pointless.

You could invite your neighbor to coffee, ostensibly discharging your duty of reciprocating her invitation, and tell her that there is something that you wish to clarify. Your having the same surname as her ancestor gives you a natural (although not necessary) opening to tell her about your own ancestors.

Without arguing whether her grandmother’s slaves were “happy,” which would provoke a ridiculous contest of speculation, you should tell her that you know that your ancestors were not. Apparently, you need to explain that the nature of the arrangement was never conducive to happiness, regardless of the particular conditions of individuals - and whether or not they found it prudent to feign contentment.

Notwithstanding the fact that many people erroneously believe that the sole object of etiquette is to make others feel comfortable, the object here is to make your neighbor feel massively uncomfortable.

But if you state things as politely as you have related them to Miss Manners, and if she is as nice as you claim, she will understand, express her humiliation, and learn.

Who knows - she might even turn into someone you will care to see again. In any case, you will feel better for not having allowed her outrageous statements to have passed unchallenged.

Dear Miss Manners: When serving gravy in a gravy boat which has a handle, a spout and a dish to set the boat on, do you also use a ladle, or do you pour the gravy from the spout?

Gentle Reader: While it is proper to pour the gravy out the spout, Miss Manners is afraid that you will require the consent of the gravy to do so. If you think it has the notion that it is really lava, and plans to hold back and then overflow all at once, you may enlist a spoon as a restraining device.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate