Express Congratulations In A Letter
Dear Miss Manners: I have a question that is probably as much about psychology as social etiquette:
When one receives the graduation announcement of a close friend or relative, is there any social gesture that is required in return to acknowledge the occasion? Or at least receiving the announcement?
I admit to a personal interest. I recently achieved a four-year goal, being awarded two college degrees. Since I am a returning adult student, I sent my own announcements to 20 family members and friends.
I have heard nothing in return from any of them, and I will confess that my feelings are hurt over this. My mother tells me that I am being “overly sensitive” and that one is not required to indicate receipt of a graduation announcement.
It really wouldn’t make much of a difference to me whether or not the recipients were socially obligated to respond. If they don’t care enough to do so, regardless of the dictates of social etiquette, then I have learned a great deal about the feelings these people have for me.
However, since my mother’s approval hinges on what is socially acceptable, will you provide the answer?
Gentle Reader: People always do respond when they get a graduation announcement. They respond by asking (first themselves and then Miss Manners), “Does this mean I have to get a present?”
When she assures them it does not, they register relief and figure that is the end of it. They are mistaken. Their presumed feelings for someone who thinks they care enough to be interested in the announcement should prompt them to write a letter expressing their congratulations.
It may well be that in your case, they do feel that warmth. But since etiquette cannot count on people writing letters without being coerced, no matter how high their emotions, there is also an etiquette rule requiring expressing congratulations.
Dear Miss Manners: My best friend and I take algebra, along with seven or eight other seventh-graders. On more than one occasion, the following has happened: I call for help on the homework and get the answering machine. I leave a message telling her to call me back.
When she does, I am in the middle of something, so I ask her if I can call her back. She says OK, but I’m at So-and-so’s house. Here’s the number.
I feel uncomfortable calling and asking for someone else who doesn’t live there, especially since I know that she’s there and that it’s going to take a while, which might upset the person whose house she’s at.
Lately, I have simply not called back and figured the problem out by myself and told her that the next day.
What do you think I should do? My grades aren’t doing as well and I need her help, but how can I get it if this continues?
Gentle Reader: Your grade in manners is excellent. You get extra credit for understanding that you shouldn’t call your friend when she is visiting someone else when she doesn’t understand this herself. Miss Manners therefore feels that you could do well in algebra. Etiquette is harder.
But you need more reliable help than a busy friend can provide. And you need better help than (Miss Manners suspects) being given the answers to homework problems. This only hides what you don’t understand and will catch up with you on tests. Ask your parents or teacher about getting tutoring.
Your friend has a harder task. The first step in solving a problem - such as how to divide your time between two friends - is to know that there is one.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate