They Can Politely Encourage
Dear Miss Manners: Bus drivers, maitres d’, store managers, and other figures of limited authority who have the civilizing function of being “manners police” take this much less seriously now than in the past.
Some pointedly avoid it, perhaps out of fear of lawsuits or due to lack of competition for their business. But their leadership is still necessary: The public brings frayed nerves, lack of discipline and cultural differences to public situations; unpleasantness, confusion and hesitation are the result.
I’ve heard two different bus drivers say they “couldn’t make” someone give up a priority seat for someone with a clear need of one, despite the posted rule. Can’t they really? And can’t they at least exert a little pressure? Surely not everyone has a bad back.
I often give up my seat to someone with several young children in tow or with more bundles than I have, whether I’m in a priority seat or not. But that’s only one seat. I am sometimes tempted to urge a teenager or young adult to get up, but I anticipate only indifference or hostility in return. Drivers can do a lot to set the expectation level of the public.
Gentle Reader: Yes, but they needn’t point out to Miss Manners that the etiquette business is a hazardous profession. And Miss Manners only pontificates to those who have sought her advice. If she went around telling others to their faces to cut that out this very minute, she hates to think what her insurance rate would be.
Nevertheless, maintaining standards in one’s area of responsibility is, as you say, an important function. And although Miss Manners agrees that fear of lawsuits and bodily harm have discouraged the rule keepers, she doesn’t think that is the whole story.
When authority was more readily accepted, people often abused it - barking out orders and issuing humiliating public reprimands without considering the possibility of ignorance or accident.
This is less tolerated than it used to be - it, too, having now been correctly identified as rudeness. One must be courteous in order to teach courtesy (and more’s the pity, Miss Manners has been known to think secretly when things turn rough).
The driver who stops and says pleasantly, “Would someone be kind enough to vacate a front seat” when it is needed, or the waiter or store keeper who says, “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m afraid the noise seems to be upsetting other customers” will find it neither dangerous nor difficult to change people’s behavior while allowing them to maintain their dignity.
Dear Miss Manners: As a result of referring an acquaintance for employment at the company for which I work, I will be receiving a generous referral bonus.
I was recently informed by this person that I should thank him appropriately - hinting strongly that I should share the money with him. I was taken by surprise, especially since I felt that he should have at least thanked me first for influencing his hiring. I am not sure that I feel like sharing now.
What is the etiquette in this situation? Is there a percentage of my referral award that I am expected to share, even if the person being hired is getting a generous raise, a better position and a good benefits package? What is the least awkward way of presenting the person with a share of the money?
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners assures you that one thing you don’t have to worry about with extortionists is being smooth and subtle about how you meet their demands. The chance of this person being offended if you throw money at him strikes her as being slight. But she fails to see why you would do this, being inclined to remember that her employer rewarded her for giving personnel advice. Perhaps the loyal thing to do is tell your employer that, unfortunately, you have led him to hire someone who expects kickbacks.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin Universal Features Syndicate