Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

So this is the Levi connection?

Let’s put to rest once and for all the contention that the Spokane Valley bombing suspects are “Phineas Priests.” Defendant Verne Merrell told the court that he is from the “tribe of Judah,” while Phineas and his priests are from the tribe of Levi. Which, correct me if I’m wrong, may explain why bluejeans played such a key role in the trial.

It’s an ambassadorship with no legal benefits

Instead of a priest, Merrell said he is an ambassador from Yahweh. Apparently, this carries no diplomatic immunity.

Was that a yea or was it a ‘Yay!’?

It wasn’t easy getting Merrell to take the oath. When asked whether he swore to tell the truth, he replied, “My yea shall be yea and my nay shall be nay.” Some people just can’t answer a simple yea-or-nay question.

We move to delay trial until the year 2012

In other bombing news, lawyers for Oklahoma bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh have requested another trial delay. They need time to leak more information damaging to their case.

One final celestial bombing observation

I truly believe that Comet Hale-Bopp was sent as a message from Heaven. I believe it was sent to tell us: Stop the hate and stop the bombing or you’ll find out what a real fireball can do.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.