Thoughtful Elderly Parents Consider Children’s Lives
Dear Ann Landers: I was interested in the letter from “Tank Town in California,” who put his mother in a nursing home. He felt guilty even though he knew it was the right thing to do - for all concerned.
When my mother was beginning to show signs of senility, we knew she could no longer live alone. My brother bought a four-bedroom home to make room for her, but she refused to live with any of us and insisted on going to a nursing home. No matter how strongly we argued against it, she was adamant and refused to budge.
We put Mom in the best nursing facility in our area, but when I left her there, I drove to a friend’s house and cried my eyes out. It took a long time to get over the guilt, even though I knew it was the best place for her. Mom went downhill rapidly. She must now have round-the-clock care and no longer recognizes any of us. That dear woman gave her children the gift of life, and now, she has given us her final gift of love - a life of our own. - Kalamazoo
Dear Kalamazoo: What a beautiful letter. Not all elderly parents have such a loving relationship with their children. Keep reading for another point of view:
From Denver: You seem to think all nursing homes are great places for elderly parents. My mother, in her 90s, is in a wonderful nursing home. However, my cousin told me when he visits his mother in a home in another state, it makes him sick. Residents are strapped in their beds, and he has quit bringing her candy, fruit or cologne because everything “disappeared” immediately. He suspects the employees but wouldn’t dare say anything for fear they would take it out on his mother.
Newark, N.J.: Our mother has always been self-centered and demanding. She has four grown children. Two of them haven’t spoken to her in eight years. Dad died in 1989 and left Mom very comfortable. She has the crazy idea that we are all after her money. None of us needs it. We are all well set. We envy our friends who don’t have such problems because their aging parents are in modest circumstances.
Stamford, Conn.: When Mama was 80, she asked me to check out places for her to live. She said it was getting to be too much to cook, do laundry and clean. Together, we selected a nice retirement home in the center of town where everyone could easily visit. It was a big adjustment for her, but she did quite well. Because of the way Mom went to live in the home, no one felt guilty. We were all happy to visit her, both friends and relatives, and Mom often came to my place to celebrate holidays and birthdays. She lived in the home for six years before she died. This is what an intelligent, unselfish parent does. She does not put her children through grief and aggravation and guilt. We all loved my mother. We miss her and realize what a terrific person she was.
Omaha: My mother lives in a nursing home and even though we tried to persuade her to live with us, she refused because she said, “I want to be independent.” Well, is she ever! Mom considers herself a “residents’ advocate” and is full of suggestions for the staff on how to improve the service. She has suggested bingo games, field trips and various movies, which have proven to be extremely well-attended. This place has been a godsend not only for her but for us. As you can well imagine, there is a long waiting list for people who want to get in. We consider ourselves lucky.