Return Money With Explanatory Note

Dear Miss Manners: My cousin asked if I could help him fix his daughter’s car. It was nothing major; in fact, the whole thing took less than an hour.

He offered to pay me, saying he was grateful for my help and content in knowing the work was done properly. I told him I was happy to help, and it wasn’t necessary to pay me. He insisted I accept the money.

I said that while it is very kind of him to offer to pay me, once he has made the offer, he must live with my decision to accept or decline. The money is in an envelope awaiting your reply.

Gentle Reader: OK, but Miss Manners warns you that it’s going to cost you.

First, you’re going to have to invest 32 cents in a stamp for the envelope. Then you’re going to have to invest time, ink and paper in producing a note to stuff in with the money to explain why you are returning it.

That will not be easy, because your cousin meant well. He is a lot nicer than those who are only too happy to exploit their relatives and friends to save money.

But he is applying the paradigm of business to a realm in which it has no place - the private world of human relationships.

In private life, generosity, rather than business acumen, is supposed to be the guiding force. Otherwise, we would quickly abandon anyone not producing satisfactorily - a colicky baby, for example, who isn’t supplying the expected cuddliness, or a friend with misfortunes who has ceased to entertain.

Couples would be continually evaluating each other’s performances and keeping an eye out to see if there was anyone who could do the job better - which is pretty much a description of modern marriage, now that Miss Manners comes to think of it.

True, reciprocity has a legitimate place in the private realm. One may give all to love, and still expect the occasional kind word and helpful deed. If your cousin had you doing regular car maintenance and had a habit of driving off just when you asked for his gardening expertise, you would justifiably feel unfairly treated.

But the presumption should be that things will even out over the long run. In this realm, people who keep too careful accounts and demand instant repayment soon find that they are out of business, as it were.

The simple way to say this in your note returning the money is “I’m happy I can be of help, and to know that I could always count on you if I needed you.”

Dear Miss Manners: Last year I received some cards with only a signature, as well as some form newsletters that bragged about family members, activities and various restaurants attended. Some of these were from people I haven’t seen during the year, but who live 15 minutes away.

I would have preferred a friendly phone call rather than a letter that I felt was only a way to show off. I found it difficult to extend holiday cheer when I got the impression of such a shallow friendship.

This year should I just not send a greeting to these people, or should I overlook their ignorance and send a letter in an effort to spread the holiday spirit?

Gentle Reader: Far be it from Miss Manners to discourage spreading the holiday spirit, and it is possible that genuinely friendly letters from you will revive faded friendships. She just doesn’t hold out an enormous amount of hope. People who assume that people they never see are interested in what restaurants they frequent are not highly promising material for deep friendships.