Despite Feelings, Don’T Hide Dishes

Dear Miss Manners: I purchased fine Christmas china, something that I had wanted for many years. Unbeknownst to me, my girlfriend’s sister has been collecting the same pattern over the course of several years. My girlfriend, who was with me when I made the purchase, did not tell me about the coincidence.

This seems to be a very big problem with my girlfriend’s sister, who feels we should not have the same pattern. This particular company makes only one nice Christmas pattern, however, and again, I didn’t know she was also collecting it.

Since I bought it for my house, I do not understand why she objects. I did not copy her, and even if I had, wouldn’t that be the most sincere form of flattery? Aren’t there more important things to worry about? Shouldn’t she be happy for her sister that we have the means to buy nice things?

We planned to have Christmas dinner at our house, using this china, but I’m worried that doing so will cause a bigger rift between my girlfriend and her sister.

Gentle Reader: More important things to worry about? Like what - the meaning of Christmas?

In the opposite spirit, Miss Manners doubts that someone who considers a china pattern to constitute an act of war is going to be at a loss for combat material if this is removed. You might just as well leave it out so that your girlfriend’s sister does not start focusing on the knives, instead.

Dear Miss Manners: My generally lovely sister-in-law can be a bit overbearing, especially with her children. Last Christmas, I gave her 6-year-old son, who has a severe communication disorder, an educational toy (which he likes).

My sister-in-law repeatedly shoved the little boy’s hands away from the package as she opened it, examined its contents, exclaimed in delight, told him how and when he was going to use it, and put it away out of his reach. I was pleased that I had delighted her and it didn’t occur to me until later that she had denied the child and myself the pleasure of this exchange between the sender and the receiver. The boy is perfectly capable of opening packages and exploring their contents by himself.

This year, I am tempted to give one present directly to his mother with a note that says, “Since you enjoyed his gift so much last year, I thought I’d give you one of your own.”

I suspect you will direct me that good manners dictate otherwise, but is there a way that I can politely encourage her to back off and give her children some room to be independent and enjoy some measure of freedom? She tends to be very controlling with her 10- and 12-year-old children as well.

Gentle Reader: And that, Miss Manners agrees, is bad - almost as bad as being controlling with sisters-in-law.

What you can do instead is to seize the very pleasure you were denied - having a direct relationship with your nephew. Overprotective as his mother may be, she is not likely to deny him the company of a fond aunt. A good way to begin would be to take him aside on Christmas, talk to him a bit, and, when others are distracted, give him your present.