They’Re Learning While Admiring
Dear Miss Manners: We have a large family - five who are college age and spend much of the year away from home, and two who are quite a bit younger and adore their older siblings - and for several years, we have been hosting various cousins, roommates and friends during holidays and work experience.
On the whole, we find these young people a delight to have as guests, but one problem continues to arise.
As you can imagine, our home gets very lively with 10 or more people with crazy schedules. We try to gather several times a week for a nice dinner together and time to re-connect. But although the young people are polite and respectful, they tend to dominate the conversation in a way that excludes the two younger children.
I am uncomfortable having the elementary school children listen in on the social and political discussions which develop. I feel that they have a right to be there for family time, and the young adults should be respectful of their innocence and listening ears. I don’t hesitate to correct my own adult children in this matter, but I don’t know how to require house guests to be sensitive.
I hate to be a fuddy-duddy or a conversation monitor. One son remarked, “Oh, Mom, they hear worse things on the news” when I suggested that the controversy over gay marriages was not an appropriate conversation for his little brothers.
Am I unreasonable and is there a graceful way to get compliance?
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners doesn’t like to let anyone out-fuddy-duddy her, but your dinner table sounds to her like an ideal environment for growing children.
Her guess is that what they are picking up is not so much salacious information as the fact that people they admire take a vigorous interest in the world around them and can exchange opinions without being impolite or disrespectful. The information, they already get from television, as your son pointed out; the courtesy, they certainly don’t.
That is not to say that Miss Manners doesn’t recognize that certain things should be off limits at the dinner table, especially in front of children - rudeness, foul language, off-color remarks, among many other things.
But that does not seem to be the problem here. Surely the discussion of gay marriage has to do with whether it should be legal, not how it is consummated.
However, it may be true that the younger children are being excluded, and Miss Manners agrees that that should not be permitted. Far from being insulted by being reminded of the younger children’s desire to be a part of things, the older ones will be flattered if gently reminded that they have an audience of admirers - “Could you hold that discussion ‘til later? Madeline has something she’s been waiting to tell you.”
Dear Miss Manners: After all the bridesmaids have entered, when the time comes for the bride to walk down the aisle, usually the mother stands, as a signal for everyone else to stand. What would you think of having everyone remain seated?
That way, all the guests can see the bride and her escort as they walk down the aisle. Also, it seems pretentious on the mother’s part to ask everyone to stand for her daughter.
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is happy to oblige you by asking everyone to stay seated, please. She doesn’t know when this unseemly practice (it’s not old enough to be a custom) of standing for the bride originated, but has never cared for it.
It seems to be connected with the queen-for-a-day attitude that has turned so many nice young ladies into divas. Unless we all take our seats now, they’ll soon be expecting their mothers to curtsey to them.