Dirty Trick To Keep Guests Waiting

Dear Miss Manners: We are parents of three fine children, ages 10, 6 and 2. From time to time we are invited as a family for lunch or dinner by family members or friends. The setting may be such that we are the only guests at their home or one of many guests at a banquet.

We try very hard to be sure our children behave properly and have often been complimented that our children are well behaved. However, a problem arises when, for example, we are invited to dinner at 6 p.m., we arrive on time or slightly late, but the hosts do not serve dinner until 7 p.m. or even later. After a while the children just say “Daddy, we’re hungry” more than once or twice, and their behavior goes downhill from there. The potato chips and carrot sticks just don’t fill them up.

Frankly, the children are right. We were invited for dinner as a family, our hosts know we have young children, yet they serve long after a reasonable dinner time for the kids. They are hungry and crabby, its not their fault, and there is nothing we can do about it.

Our solutions to date have been to decline invitations from certain people, give them food at home if we foresee the situation and, in certain circumstances, to leave the event as graciously as possible, saying something like, “We really have to get the children to bed.” None of these solutions seem particularly satisfactory. What do you suggest?

Gentle Reader: Those children are right, aren’t they? Age aside, it is a dirty trick to invite people to dinner at a specific time and keep them sitting there, getting crabby if not drunk, without feeding them properly.

And while it is not polite to draw this to the attention of tardy hosts, it must be useful to have these children to voice what all the adults are thinking but should know better than to say. As you point out, they are also useful as an excuse for leaving early. You wouldn’t want to rent them out to Miss Manners, would you?

Dear Miss Manners: I am a 60-year-old recent divorcee. A young friend of mine has honored me with an invitation to stay with them for the week when she makes her debut as a cabaret entertainer later this year. Since I would postpone my own funeral to attend this event, I have accepted with alacrity.

It has been more than two decades since I have had the opportunity to make a trip like this, and I need an update regarding some of the proprieties involved. I was brought up to believe that it is both proper and expected to arrive with a hostess gift when I am staying under someone’s roof for a weekend or longer and they are not relatives. First, is this still correct? Second, who is the hostess, as they are a lesbian couple?

Gentle Reader: First, that rule is still in effect, but it always included the choice of bringing a present or sending it afterwards.

Second, another rule still in effect (but which Miss Manners apparently needs to point out) is that guests should not take an undue interest in the living arrangements of their hosts or, in this case, hostesses. The fact that they are a couple does not prevent them from being regarded as ladies. But - if this is all you meant to ask - the one to whom you hand the present should be the one who invited you.

Third, most people do want to postpone their own funerals, and no excuse is required.