Social Extortion Will Never Be ‘In’

Dear Miss Manners: I recently received an announcement from a couple whose parents are our friends. The card looked as though it had been sent directly from the department store, and contained four lines stating the expected arrival date of a child and the fact that the baby was registered with the store. Also listed was a gift number, and an 800 number to call to have a gift sent to the expectant parents.

I was dumbfounded. To me this is simply begging for gifts - for a baby that is not due for five months. Does this mean I’m supposed to send a big gift, like a crib or bassinet? Perhaps this is a newer more efficient way of announcing pregnancies. What if something should happen, like a miscarriage, and the child is not born? I have asked some of my friends and none of them had ever heard of this.

This is the same couple that sent us a printed thank-you note for their wedding gift that said, “Thank you for the wedding gift and if you came to the wedding, thank you for coming.” They didn’t even have to sign their names because they were printed on the card.

I would appreciate your letting me know if I’m just out of step and manners have changed, or if what my parents taught me is still the “in” thing.

Gentle Reader: You mean to say that the unborn are now dunning people for presents even before they arrive? Where are Miss Manners’ smelling salts?

Not that she should be surprised it would come to this. The “gift registry” concept, which is that one can both anticipate and direct the generosity of others, has created a natural partnership between people who want to acquire stuff but don’t mean to pay for it and merchants who want to sell stuff to people who didn’t mean to buy it.

Why the targets of this racket should succumb, Miss Manners cannot imagine. Well, yes she can, but she wishes others couldn’t.

They imagine it is because she approves. That is what you mean by its being “in” - not that lots of people are doing it (sure, but lots of people are also robbing convenience stores) or that the world etiquette council has met and ruled social extortion to be proper.

You may rest assured that this will never happen. Miss Manners advises throwing the card into the trash along with all the other advertising solicitations you receive.

Dear Miss Manners: A few days ago, I had breakfast at a chain restaurant. I, along with several other people, was there at 6 a.m. when the restaurant opened. As the waitress was late for work, a very gracious and nicely dressed lady, whom I assume was the manager-hostess, took our orders. While the food was being prepared, she chatted with the customers, and joked about being the “new waitress.”

When I finished, I left a tip as I normally would, on the assumption that good service deserves a tip. However, I felt very uneasy about it - I almost felt like I was tipping a hostess at a private dinner. Was it correct to leave a tip?

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners loves qualms like yours. Indeed, one is not supposed to tip those in high ranking jobs, but the concept that anyone could be insulted by being offered money under any circumstances is baffling to most people nowadays.

In appreciation for your delicacy, she will offer you comfort. As the manager was play-acting being a waitress, you were merely going along with the fun.