Let Him Know Your Mind Is Elsewhere

Dear Miss Manners: My place of employment is populated by very nice people, but a few seem to have a lot of spare time, which they spend visiting up and down the hall.Usually I just tell them if I don’t have time, but one of these gets on my last nerve.

He seems to sense when a topic is slightly aggravating to me and comes by at least twice each day, sticks his head into my office and brings up that subject, relentlessly carrying on until I tell him to drop it, which he does - until the next visit. There have been occasions when I felt myself about to lose control and shriek at him. For example:

Him: “Well, bought that car yet?”

Me: “Nope. Still looking. May not buy one for months.”

Him: “You know, your car may not hold up that long! You’d better go out tonight and look!”

Me: “No, I’ve been looking and it’s going along about as well as can be.”

Him: “You are going to need a reliable car for the field trip to Oshkosh. Get out there and look.”

Me: “O.K., enough already.”

In his case, if I said, “I can’t talk now, got to work,” I’d be saying it every time he appeared at my door. I have tried to just continue doing my work, giving him only half my attention, but he is also incredibly persistent.

I have known this person for years, and absolutely guarantee that he’s not romantic or trying to capture my fancy. Further, he is intelligent and well-traveled.

I don’t really want to make an enemy of him, yet that’s exactly what’s going to happen if I blow up some day. It’s mostly the extreme irritation I feel at my concentration being broken for such a stupid conversation that frazzles me.

Gentle Reader: As giving him half your attention doesn’t work, Miss Manners suggests cutting the ration.

The way to give someone the smallest fraction of attention short of cutting him, which would be insulting, is to stare at him with a blank smile while he talks and, when he pauses for an answer, to say apologetically, “Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t following you; I’m thinking about my work.” After he repeats his remarks, you repeat yours. You may have several rounds of this at first, but Miss Manners promises that it will take the fun out of his giving you advice.

Dear Miss Manners: My in-laws live out of state, but we see them every few months and they are extremely self-absorbed. Unless the conversation centers around them, they don’t appear to be interested.

They spend endless hours recounting their travels, ailments, social activities and every little detail of their lives. They rarely ask my husband or me about our lives and seem annoyed whenever we talk of anything that doesn’t involve them. Even their gifts reflect their sense of self-importance. They are forever giving us their favorite music, CDs, videos, art work and clothes.

I’ve been tolerating them for more than seven years and actually dread their visits. I would love to tell them how irritating and uninteresting they really are, but I was raised to respect my elders, not to mention the marital problems this would cause.

How can I let them know there are other people besides them living in the world, without being ill-mannered myself?

Gentle Reader: Contrary to popular opinion, not all frustration is bad. Miss Manners is proud of you for frustrating yourself in the desire to tell your in-laws how irritating and uninteresting they really are, on the grounds that this would be disrespectful and cause marital problems.

Now all you need to do is to rid yourself of the fantasy that there is some way of doing this politely.