Be Courteous Despite Others’ Behavior

Dear Miss Manners: It was Saturday night at the local multiplex, nearly all of the theaters were at capacity, and the line at the snack bar was barely moving. The mood was tense, as people were risking losing a seat for their movie, or missing a large segment of a film already in progress.

We finally made our way to the front of the line and placed our order. Just then a woman appeared at my shoulder, thrust a five dollar bill in my face, and in an abrupt manner barked, “I’ll pay you to buy me a box of Milk Duds!”

As I hadn’t seen her approaching, she caught me by total surprise. I could only form one thought, and one word, and that was an equally abrupt, “No!”

This reply seemed to startle her. She stared at me, then turned to the woman in line behind us and repeated her offer. This poor woman, having observed the initial exchange, seemed intimidated and agreed to the proposed transaction. I then observed, perhaps through a veil of paranoia, the disapproving stares of those behind us in line, as if I had somehow been the transgressor and had failed to help my fellow film buff in a time of need.

While agreeing to her offer would obviously defeat the purpose of waiting in line patiently, as most of us were, I nevertheless was made to feel as though I had erred on the side of rudeness in my refusal of her request. Assuming the Milk Duds were to be used for her enjoyment, and were not required to address an emergency, what should my response have been?

Gentle Reader: Despite your excepting the possibility of an emergency from this situation, Miss Manners promises that many people will wax indignant on the assumption that you denied crucial assistance to a diabetic.

This may be the explanation of the otherwise puzzling scene you describe. Tiny points of privilege are so fiercely contested nowadays that Miss Manners would have been less surprised to hear that the line had turned violently on the intruder than that they wanted her to be let in.

Despite this attitude, medical excuses are more readily assumed and accepted. So easily, in fact, that Miss Manners - overjoyed as she is to see evidence of increasing compassion - must occasionally dissent. Even emergencies must be explained as best as possible under the circumstances, and had this been one, the plea should have been stated as such, directly to the candy-seller.

So the request was rude, whatever the reason; but your startled reply wasn’t courteous, either. You owe politeness even when politeness hasn’t been shown. You could have said, “Sorry, these people are ahead of you.”

Miss Manners’ second guess about why others showed their disapproval is that they were merely anxious to get rid of a determined nuisance and an apparently equally determined combatant.

Dear Miss Manners: I enjoy photographs, especially of my children and grandchildren, and I have many displayed on my dresser and on the wall in my bedroom, as well as albums full.

My daughter and son-in-law have given me a very nice 8-by-10 professional photograph of them with their children and they have shown me where in my living room I should hang it.

I feel it is perhaps tacky and boastful to display family photos in rooms where guests are entertained. On the other hand, it seems uncomplimentary or even disrespectful to hang them in a dimly lighted hallway. What does etiquette say about displaying framed photographs?

Gentle Reader: Do you want to know what etiquette says, or what it thinks?

It thinks you are right. It doesn’t say that out loud because it doesn’t want to get into arguments involving sentiment, taste and photography as an art form. Miss Manners suggests telling your children that you so treasure it that you have placed it so that it is the last thing you see at night and the first upon waking.