Your Polite Behavior Was Correct

Dear Miss Manners: At a very nice reception I attended to honor a young lady, the daughter of a dear friend, I encountered her father for the first time since his mid-life crisis. I will not list the ugly details, except to say that my friend is now in the process of divorce.

It is an understatement to say that I feel anger toward this man, an anger that is, no doubt, intensified because my former husband had behaved in much the same way.

I did not know what to say to this individual. Should I have greeted him as though nothing had happened? Should I have avoided him? Should I have said something curt? What does one do in such circumstances?

As it happened, I found myself next to him at one point. When we made eye contact, I merely said, “Hi,” followed by his name, and then I moved on.

Actually - after some thought - I was appreciative, for his daughter’s sake, that he attended this function, and I was also appreciative that his new paramour had not accompanied him.

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners regrets to tell you that you behaved perfectly politely, doing just the right thing.

Oh, not that Miss Manners regrets it; she is only afraid that you do. She is intensely gratified when people behave better than their natural feelings would prompt, but she knows that they find it less satisfying than lashing out, however rudely.

You had a double obligation, one moral and one social. When one feels that an individual has gone beyond the bounds of decency, one expresses moral outrage by refusing to associate with him. When one accepts a social invitation, one is committed to making the occasion pleasant, or at least not unpleasant, for both hosts and guests.

The righteous who believe the moral obligation trumps the social one are wrong.

Perhaps they could accept this more easily if Miss Manners points out that there is a moral element involved in the social obligation - not embarrassing people, not ruining a party and, above all, not aggravating the already painful family situation by stirring things up just when father and daughter are putting a good face on it. If you felt it would be wrong to be minimally civil to a guest, you should have refused the invitation.

Miss Manners draws your attention to the word “minimally”: That is what allows you to express your disapproval to him without making a scene or running the risk of provoking him to make one. And that is what you did. You tried to avoid him, rather than seeking him out to offer congratulations as the father; you greeted him when you had to, and you moved on.

Please do not regret having the politeness to restrain yourself from making a curt remark. Miss Manners assures you that your moral point was properly delivered.

Dear Miss Manners: A few days ago we went to a fairly large birthday party and brought a present. When the acknowledgment card arrived, we were thanked for a present we did not bring. Please let us know what is the most tactful way of pointing out the confusion about the gifts.

Gentle Reader: The most tactful way is a bit of trouble, Miss Manners is afraid. This is to embed the information in a letter thanking the hosts for the party, and noting at the end, “Unfortunately we cannot claim credit for giving you the lovely green and red tie, and you will want to direct your thanks to the people who did. Our little present was the motorcycle, which we hope you enjoy.”