Be Gracious, Let Them Use Facilities

Dear Miss Manners: House painters, window installers, roofers and the like have asked to use my bathroom. I could hardly say no, but I wanted to. Is it all right to refuse them, or is it in poor taste?

I am a woman alone in a one-bathroom house. I consider it an invasion, and feel that they should drive to the nearest gas station or have a portable potty in their truck.

Gentle Reader: Having work done on your house is already an invasion. Don’t tell Miss Manners that while you are getting your roof fixed or your kitchen painted, your house would be all nice and neat and quiet if it weren’t for the workmen using the bathroom.

She suggests that you put away your dainty lace towels and be gracious until the work is finished. Not just good taste, but human decency (not to mention good sense) requires that you allow people on your premises to use your bathroom.

Dear Miss Manners: My fiance and I are living together, and we are bickering over dinner conversation protocol. He thinks that if we are serving dinner in our house, then we have the right to tell guests gently but firmly that they should change the subject if the conversation takes an arguable turn.

This clash of entertaining styles arose when an old and dear girlfriend and her husband were over for dinner. They began a bit of a tiff that I think often happens to married couples, but is ultimately of little consequence. I admit it went on a bit too long and I did take my girlfriend’s part over her husband’s.

My fiance first asked nicely that we change the conversation. He was ignored, and then he asked again, but raised his voice. Although he apologizes for raising his voice, he still maintains that in his house, he has the right to ask that the conversation take another direction.

In fairness, my fiance also feels that, in someone else’s house, they have a right to suggest a change in the conversation if they feel that the subject is unpleasant or that the people are acting unpleasantly.

My philosophy for entertaining is that, short of strong verbal or physical fighting, I want to be gracious to my guests and level no restrictions on their conversation or behavior whatsoever. Since we plan to entertain together again, we need to know whether a host can suggest a conversation change and still be a good host.

Gentle Reader: The answer is yes, a good host can suggest changing an unpleasant conversation. But not by shouting, “Will you two cut it out? We’ve had enough of your bickering!”

If simply bringing up a new topic doesn’t work, he should say quietly (note: quietly) but pointedly, “Let’s talk about something else, shall we?” If that is too subtle - and Miss Manners has no trouble imagining that a couple who fights in public has problems handling subtlety - it should be, “This is really not for us to hear, you know.”

This is not a right, but an obligation, and it does not cancel the obligation you cite of being gracious to guests. Think of it as protecting your guests from one another, and from embarrassing themselves.