Keep Polite Distance From Neighbors

Dear Miss Manners: How can I put this?

I am gay. I enjoy a happy, monogamous relationship with my boyfriend and we would be married if it were legal. We are as discreet in public as any polite, heterosexual couple, probably a bit more so in the modern political climate. We have fun together, at parties with our more open friends we are more open, at parties with our more conservative friends we are discreet, and our church is open toward us.

My difficulty is twofold. The area where we live has become more politically conservative and more overtly homophobic. First, what should I do when asked by people about my romantic life? Apparently, I am old enough that people keep trying to set me up on dates. And how should I introduce my boyfriend to people I’ve just met (my friends already know)? Secondly, how should I behave when I hear people use offensive epithets or tell offensive (to me, at least) jokes about gays?

On the one hand, I recognize that this issue is controversial and for some people has religious complications. On the other hand, I’m sure that other minorities have had similar pressures on them.

I’m not ashamed of what I am. My church has no difficulty with my de facto marriage to another man. On the third hand, I need to be cautious; from what I’ve read, murders and/or assaults on gay men are on the rise in this nation.

I apologize in advance if I accidentally offend anyone’s sensibilities but assure you that I am making the effort to avoid doing so. I don’t want to infringe on the rights of others, but I don’t want to act as a doormat for them either.

Gentle Reader: Watch out for that third hand. That is the one that upsets the delicate balance between living one’s life as one sees fit and refraining from unduly provoking the neighbors - by introducing the element of fear.

If you feel you may be in actual physical danger, for heaven’s sake, move to a more congenial neighborhood. But Miss Manners has the impression your chief worry is about less lethal forms of disapproval, or you would be asking for fiercer help than hers. Neighborly disapproval is a different thing when it is expressed by lynching than when it is expressing by sniffing.

The way to minimize the latter is not to change your life, but to keep your distance. This is a good rule for everyone. Close neighborhood friendships do sometimes form, and no one wants to live among enemies. But everyone should be extra cautious in opening themselves to criticism on the part of those who not only know where they live but can keep an eye out for how.

Certain facts about you are of legitimate neighborhood interest - that you share the house, rent or own, perhaps what your occupations are, and whether or not you wish to sign a petition asking the local government to put a stop sign on the corner.

It is a long way from that level of chitchat to entertaining inquiries about your romantic life and offers of dates, which is not to say that nosy neighbors won’t make that leap. Then you should say firmly, “Thank you, but we’re quite happy together,” in a tone that closes the subject - as it would if they accidentally pulled this on a married couple.

But while you can be pleasantly distant with those who apparently mean well, you have to be coldly distant with those who do not. Usually a stony look will do to quash an offensive word or joke, but you may have to say, “I’m afraid I find that offensive;” if no apology is forthcoming, you may have to walk out.

You will then have a reputation for being “sensitive,” and requiring careful treatment. Miss Manners assures you that she has heard a lot of worse remarks than that going around neighborhoods by people who manage to live there happily all the same.