Tell Them You Are Rethinking Will

Dear Miss Manners: When I shared some good news with my siblings regarding my will - they are my primary heirs and will receive an unspecified but equal, and possibly large, amount of money - I thought the disclosure would please them and prevent surprises later on. It turns out I am the one with the horrid surprise.

This difficulty arose because one sister-in-law felt highly offended that she was not named as an heir, especially since some money will go to charity.

I had assumed that my brother would share his bounty with her and they would both be thrilled. I was wrong.

This couple now refuse to talk to me and sent me a vitriolic letter to let me know the extent of their fury and to hurt me with a variety of insults.

What is the etiquette regarding wills? What role does a sister-in-law have in one’s will? What should her expectations be - if any?

How do I respond to their letter? I hope to restore a formerly friendly relationship eventually, primarily for the sake of my brother.

Gentle Reader: How much are you willing to pay for this privilege?

Never mind, Miss Manners is afraid that it is not for sale, at least not by this couple. They prefer to gamble.

What they are going for is double or nothing - risking antagonizing you and getting nothing, on the chance that they will be able to intimidate you into giving them double.

But the cards are all in your hands, and of course they are all yours to play any way you wish. The only rule of etiquette concerning expectations of inheritance is that people should do everything they can to hide them.

Miss Manners begs you only not to repeat the mistake of showing your hand. If you wish them to believe that they are still in the game, so to speak, you should thank them for making you realize that you must rethink your will and maintain silence when they attempt to find out what change you plan to make.

Dear Miss Manners: My former father-in-law, whom I liked and respected very much, died recently. I was divorced from his son a year ago after 15 years of marriage and three children, and my ex-husband’s new wife informed me that it might not be “appropriate” for me to attend his funeral.

After initially agreeing with her, my former husband then said I could attend the funeral, but not the reception afterward, to which the entire assembled crowd of 100 people was invited.

That is what I did, but I am confused. Is a public funeral an “invitation-only” event? Who or what determines who should attend a funeral? This family apparently barred other individuals who had wanted to attend based on slights or disagreements with other family members, not based on disagreements with the deceased.

Gentle Reader: Funerals are not parties; they are ceremonial events at which anyone mourning the deceased is free to go and pay respects. Post-funeral gatherings are not parties, either, much as they appear to be as people eat and drink and call out, “Great to see you” - but they are private.

So you were quite right to attend the funeral, since you cared about your father-in-law, provided that you did so discreetly and followed another rule: the one against using a funeral to annoy the immediately bereaved (which includes the reigning daughter-in-law, however unpleasant she may be).