Many gay mates coming out to straight spouses

If millions of Americans empathized with Dina Matos McGreevey when her husband, New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey, announced two weeks ago that he was gay, many identified with her, reliving the pain and humiliation of finding out a spouse was living two lives.

Experts say such husbands and wives share the rage and sense of betrayal of any infidelity. They also may feel sexually inadequate, foolish for not picking up on certain behaviors, unable to trust the opposite sex again and worried about their sexual health.

Experts said that even in a society increasingly tolerant of gay relationships, gay-straight marriage is more common than most people think.

More than a quarter of Americans who acknowledged being gay or lesbian said they had once been married, according to an analysis published last year by The Star-Ledger of Newark, N.J. Two in five same-sex households included at least one partner who was divorced, separated or widowed.

Most gay partners do not marry for a cover, but are usually confused about their feelings, love their mates, and are trying to conform to the mainstream view of a family.

“It’s not ill intent or trickery. These men usually get married when they are younger, before they have identified sexually. Or if they have, they’re hoping marriage will change their sexuality,” said Bonnie Kaye, a Philadelphia counselor who helps women and men recovering from the breakup from their gay spouses. “They want a wife and kids, but physically, they’re gay.”

Kaye, author of “Is He Straight? A Checklist for Women Who Wonder” and “Gay Husbands/ Straight Wives: A Mutation of Life,” was married for four years and had two children before her husband left her for a gay lover.

James McGreevey may have been desperately trying to create the family his Irish Catholic culture expected of him, said Amity Pierce Buxton, executive director of the Straight Spouse Network ( www.ssnetwk.org).

She founded the organization in the San Francisco Bay area 20 years ago, after her husband of 24 years confessed he was gay. Buxton, author of “The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families,” said the group has 6,000 members and 60 support groups nationwide.

Advocates for straight spouses also said it’s not uncommon that they seem to be the last to know.

Carol Silverman of Scarsdale, N.Y., said she had hints about her husband’s proclivities but always believed his excuses: “He wasn’t bathing at home, but he said he was showering at the Y after working out. And he was, but he was going there to pick up men.”

When she found him on a gay chat line, she was shocked despite all the evidence, she said.

“For the first year, I was raging mad. How could I be so stupid?” said Silverman, mother of three grown children and a businesswoman who is active in the New York metropolitan area Straight Spouse Network groups. “I was married for 27 years. Half my life was over before I found out!”

Straight spouses often blame themselves for not losing weight, wearing T-shirts to bed instead of sexy lingerie, not being better lovers or more considerate partners. Some gay partners will tell them they’re oversexed, or not sexy enough. They struggle with their sexual self-esteem, feeling less of a man or woman for the rejection.

Russ Chapman, 45, of Hillside, N.J., thought he was happily married when his wife of 12 years began to change. He suspected she was unfaithful and, snooping around, found a love letter. It was not from a man, but her best friend, a lesbian.

“I was suicidal for a short period. I absolutely felt my masculinity was threatened. I questioned my sexual worth. That was a big part in my not healing,” said Chapman, who describes himself as a “guy guy. I’m a huge Giants fan. I coach softball. I love to fish.”

His bruised ego led him to distrust women. “I spent close to five years being angry, bitter, not only at her but all women. It was a huge trust issue,” he said.

Many straight spouses are also embarrassed to admit to physicians that they need to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

One member of the New Jersey branch of the Straight Spouse Network, who asked not to be identified, said it was difficult to ask her doctor of 20 years for an HIV test at the age of 54. “It had to be done. I tell any new person who comes to us to get checked,” she said.

Couples with children worry about the impact the revelation will have. For the most part, children are more concerned about divorce than the knowledge that one parent is gay. But it can be very rough for adolescents who are figuring out their own sexuality, Kaye said.