Teach value of good choices
Dear Carolyn: Do you have specific advice for teenagers (especially girls) to prevent them from having premarital sex, or are you one who smiles and says, “You are not mature, but if you must, here is a condom.” I need every trick in the book to make sure my kids never go down that road. – Richmond
No, you don’t. You need a clear, coherent, lifelong, well-thought-out message that reflects your values and shows respect both for your kids’ intelligence and for the strength of their hormones.
And, your kids need to know your love isn’t contingent upon their following the exact road you choose for them, because they aren’t going to follow it; you might as well accept that now. If they know you will love them regardless, though, and if you teach them the importance of making good choices, they’ll find their own way, for their own reasons – which seems like the whole point. In fact, the better you raise them, the more independent-minded they’ll be.
Carolyn: I am single with no children, but I volunteer as a Little League baseball coach. I catch the usual grief from parents who think their kid should be playing more or playing a different position or (fill in the blank). My girlfriend, who comes to all of our games, overheard one of these conversations and just lit, calmly but very firmly, into the parent on my behalf. On the one hand, I loved her for it, but on the other it was quite embarrassing to me. How do I tell her I appreciate her concern but that her approach was not how I prefer to handle such situations? FYI, we have been dating for seven months, and we both see a long-term future together. – Chicago
On behalf of all of us who wish we had been there, I ask you please to consider not silencing her.
It’s something you should consider on your own behalf, too, but for different reasons. You say yourself you loved her for it. Could it be this is just new for you and worth getting used to?
Plus, her willingness to take on a Little League parent, suggests she has a strong character and isn’t afraid to use it.
This, in turn, suggests the beat-down in the bleachers was neither the first nor anywhere near the last time she was going to use it in public. Therefore, it might be more realistic to see it not as what she did, but who she is, and therefore part of any long-term future you have together.
If you thought her stepping in was inappropriate in this one situation, certainly you can thank her, applaud her guts, and explain you’d rather the parents hear directly from you. It’s a narrow request, one she should respect.