Annie’s Mailbox: Commit fully, you have chance

Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 18 years. About 11 years ago, I caught my husband, “Lex,” having long phone conversations with another woman. He told me he was bored at night being home with the kids while I was working two jobs. Hello! He had three children to take care of!

We had counseling, and although there were a few minor “hiccups,” our relationship went well for a while. However, four years ago, Lex went out of town, presumably with a male co-worker, but I discovered he was having an e-mail relationship with a woman and planned on meeting her. (He told me he needed to “spice up” his sex life because ours was getting boring.)

I no longer have any interest in being intimate with Lex. I tried going back to school, but I just couldn’t do it while working full time. Lex told me he would help around the house while I went to school, but it never happened. We moved to a new house, hoping this would change things, but we are just further in debt. We tried counseling again, but Lex insists it’s my “hang-up” that is affecting the marriage.

I feel betrayed and taken advantage of and no longer find my husband to be the man I thought I married. I’m not sure if I’m waiting for his third strike, or if I’m just too afraid to make the jump out of the marriage. It would be hard on the children. Any suggestions? – Miserable in Illinois

Dear Miserable: If Lex has been a faithful husband since his little side trip, it means he is making an effort, but if you are withholding sex, it will only undermine your chances. You both must be fully committed to the marriage, or it is not going to work. You are still harboring a lot of anger (justifiably), and if you can’t let it go, you will continue to be unhappy. Please go back to your counselor, with or without Lex, and find out if you truly want to salvage what’s left of this relationship.

Dear Annie: “Mary Ruth in Colorado” made a mistake, which you repeated. She said her father had a son with his first wife, and she referred to him as her stepbrother. If they have the same father, he is her half-brother. – Aloha From Sam in Honolulu

Dear Sam: We were surprised at the number of alert readers who picked up on this discrepancy and nailed us for it. You are correct. If they do, in fact, share a father, that would make him her half-brother. Thanks for the clarification.