Suggestion of commitment may be helpful

Dear Miss Manners: I have begun to notice that the definition of the word “fiance(e)” is changing and, in my opinion, not for the better.

When I was growing up, the love of one’s life whom one intended to soon marry was for a short period referred to as a fiance. Young girls dream of one day being engaged and for a brief period becoming someone’s fiancee.

My boyfriend became my fiance, and six months later he became my husband.

Now, however, it seems the term has become a catch-all for all sorts of uncommitted, open-ended relationships.

Couples who have lived together for 10-plus years with no real intention of ever marrying refer to one another as “fiance(e).”

Young couples who find themselves to be in the family way but out of wedlock immediately raise the status of their relationship from boyfriend and girlfriend to fiance and fiancee with no real wedding plans anywhere in the foreseeable future. I’m sure this is due to their desire for others to regard their relationship with more esteem.

I don’t truly care what they want to call one another, but it’s been an observation of mine, and I thought perhaps you would have a comment.

Gentle Reader: Well, yes, Miss Manners has noticed that in newspaper articles the unmarried father of five children who is on amicable terms with the mother is identified as her fiance. But if he beats her up, he is called her boyfriend.

Actually, long engagements were not uncommon in the past. But then the delay would be to accumulate enough money to support a household; now it is to accumulate enough money to support a week of wedding festivities.

And then, the imminent arrival of a child would speed the wedding day; now it would delay it, so that pregnancy would not interfere with the bride’s figure or zest for partying.

Or, as you point out, there may be no relationship between declaring being affianced and intending to be married. Still, when children are involved, Miss Manners finds it more stabilizing to use a word at least suggesting that degree of commitment.

There is always the possibility that some time after the arrival of that fifth child, the couple will decide they are sufficiently compatible to risk more of a commitment.

Dear Miss Manners: I recently went to a fancy Italian restaurant, and along with bread before the meal, they also served olives on a plate. What is the proper way to eat these olives, and also, how do you get the pit out of your mouth – using a napkin?

Gentle Reader: Wouldn’t you think that etiquette would countenance shielding unappealing – but nevertheless permissible, not to mention urgently necessary – eating actions behind a napkin? Consideration for others, and all that.

Well, it doesn’t. Miss Manners imagines that this is because speculating about what goes on behind the napkin is more upsetting to other diners than actually seeing you cupping your hand against your mouth and quietly spiting the pit into it, which is the correct thing to do.